


When Push Comes To Shove (and When I Finally Fall)

by EternityPrevails



Series: Secrets [4]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, Robin: Son of Batman (Comics), Son of Batman (2014), Young Justice (Cartoon), Young Justice (Comics), Young Justice - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anorexia, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Autistic Damian Wayne, Brotherly Bonding, Brotherly Love, Brothers, Bruce Wayne is a Bad Parent, Bulimia, Cassandra Cain is Batman, Child Abandonment, Child Abuse, Damian Wayne Feels, Damian Wayne Needs a Hug, Damian Wayne is Bad at Feelings, Damian Wayne is Flamebird, Damian Wayne-centric, Date Rape, Date Rape Drug/Roofies, Depression, Dick Grayson Has ADHD, Dick Grayson is Nightwing, Difficult Decisions, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Jason Todd is Red Hood, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, POV Alternating, POV Damian Wayne, POV Dick Grayson, POV Jason Todd, Panic Attacks, Paranoia, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape Recovery, References to Depression, Self-Harm, Stephanie Brown is Robin, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Tim Drake is Red Robin, Tim drake is an ass, Violent Thoughts, Vomiting, dickdami
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-26
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:20:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 19
Words: 23,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24496366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EternityPrevails/pseuds/EternityPrevails
Summary: Damian knew a lot about secrets and he had always been very good at keeping them. But sometimes secrets can kill and sometimes silence is sharper than a knife. And sometimes they leave everyone asking the question "why did he do it, why did he attempt to take his own life"
Relationships: Cassandra Cain & Damian Wayne, Diana (Wonder Woman) & Damian Wayne, Diana (Wonder Woman) & Dick Grayson, Dick Grayson & Damian Wayne, Dick Grayson & Jason Todd, Jason Todd & Damian Wayne
Series: Secrets [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1720981
Comments: 64
Kudos: 205





	1. Day 0

Damian ran a hand through his hairnlooking at the mirror absently. He had began letting his hair grow out a few months ago and now it sat heavily curled and falling just over the tops of his ears. He had to admit it looked kind of cute, it made his face look less chubby and young. A good thing since puberty had made him put on a bit of weight. He wondered what it would look like if he let it get even longer. Like Dicks hair before he joined the police force. Would it be able to get that long with the heavy curls or would it just stay in simi-tight curls around his head forever. It didnt matter he wouldnt be around long enough to see it grow out that far. 

He examined his body in the mirror once again with a frown as he analyzed every impurity on his skin. The deep scars that ran from his hip to his knee on both legs, but more heavily on his left. There was a few new cuts there, after three years he relapsed but he didnt care anymore. He almost wanted to tell Dick but he knew the older man already veiwed him as a disapointment and didnt want to burden his farther. Then his eyes raked iver the bruises on his side from patrol where he had been knocked back by a thug that he should have seen coming up behind him but he didnt. He had been off his game lately, distracted and tired, and being Robin didnt bring him the same joy these days as it had before, not since that night.

Ever since that night nothing brought him joy. Just exhaustion, and sadness, and anger. He had been too weak and too trusting and he had been punished for it. And every day, every night, every second he continued to breath was a second where he continued to be punished for his weakness. Every time he tried to take a step forward he felt like he was falling three steps back and he was just so tired of it at this point.

He squeezed one hand around his wrist and closed his eyes. He could still feel everything that happened that night. He couldnt remeber it all but he could feel it. The salty taste in his mouth, the dizziness, the nausea, the fever, the confusion, the feeling of a brick wall digging into his back, the feeling of hands around his wrists pinning them. Waking up at home not really sure what happened but overwhelmed with the feeling thag he had somehow failed to protect himself and with an unidentified disgust toward himself and his body. 

Damian pulled his eyes away from the mirror and to the clock. If he was going to do this he needed to do it now so that he didnt risk it being too late and Dick coming home in the middle of everything. Carefully he unfolded the note in his pocket sitting it down on the nightstand and crawled into the bed. He already had the pills sitting on the nightstand, he had been planning this for over a week. Today was the day. He popped the lid off the bottle and felt fear overwhelm him. Tears burned his eyes and he fought them back.

He didnt have time to second guess himself. He didnt have time to wonder if he was making a mistake. He knew if he stopped now he wouldnt go through with the plan. The one he had so painstakingly put together. He needed to do this and he needed to do it now, he just hoped everyone could forgive him.

* * *

_Dear Dick, Jason, anyone who cares enough to read this note._

_I am sorry_

_I can not explain my actions and at this point I highly doubt any amount of explanation would suffice in explaining why I must gotheough with this. Iam sorry. I know you will attempt to blame yourself but I am telling you now this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done that would have changed my course of actions._

_I have been a burden onto you and this "family" for too long. I am sorry. My existence has been of nothing but burdens onto others and even my conception was of lies and decite. I have come to recognize recently how much pain my existence has caused. I am sorry._

_I am not a hero and I am a disgrace of a Robin. I have failed to protect myself and I have failed too many times to be trusted. I am sorry._

_You hated me i know, from the start I was little more than a brat and I am aware that you never wanted me to be a part of your life. I have caused you nothing but problems, i am sorry._

_I am weak and stupid, i have been nothing but a failure and a selfish child. I wish there was some way I could have stopped us from having ever met so that this would not harm you. I am sorry, i never wanted to harm you._

_You made me a better person, you made me understand that I have never wished to harm anyone. Only to impress and obey. But I can not go back and change what I have done and I can not stop the anger and sadness from building up inside of me._

_I have little more condolences I can offer you other than to once again say I am sorry. I hope you do not hate me._


	2. Day 1

Dick sat anxiously fiddling with his stuffed elephant toy and watching Jason pace angrily across the waiting room outside of the watchtower hospital. They had been there all night, ever since Dick had found Damian overdosed and barley breathing several hours ago. They had been kicked out of the room and hadnt heard any news yet. All Dick could think was no news was good news. Cause atleast no news meant Damian was still alive. 

"I dont understand" Dick whispered to nobody. He didnt understand, Damian had been doing fine. He was taking his medicine, nothing had happened recently, Damian hadnt been acting depressed or suicidal. Damian had been a little off on training but Dick had assumed it was just exhaustion from school and being robin, and being on the young justice team. He never suspected, he couldnt have suspected that Damian would try. 

"WHAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND. HE TRIED TO KILL HIMSELF " Jasons screams cause Dick to jump and look up at his younger brother. Jasons eyes were swimming green and he was shaking with anger. He was masking his sadness and confusion with rage and anger, the same way he usually did. Dick qasntdict sure how he felt. Numb maybe. He wanted to snap back at him, to say this wasnt his fault. But maybe it was his fault. Maybe he should have noticed the signs. Had there been any signs? 

The image of Damian laying in his bed, barley breathing with a weak pulse. The empty bottle of pain pills and the note written with shaky letters both sitting on the nightstand. Dicks brain had kicked into full cop/hero mode to get Damian here. To the hospital in the watchtower, but now he just felt so unbearably numb and empty that he couldn't even process everything that had happened. He temebered feeling this feeling once before, after his parents died, befoee evrything had fully settled in. But Damian wasn't dead, atleast he hadnt been when Dick last saw him.

Dick just burried his face into his knees and held his stuffed elephant close. He had no idea what he would do if he lost Damian. He couldnt even imagine going home without Damian beside him. He couldnt imagine returning from work without Damians sharp remarks on him being late, or eating dinner without Damian complaining about how stupid his teachers are. Be struggled to think of any part of his day that wouldnt be fundamentally changed by Damians absence.

No he needed to stop thinking that way. Damian was going to be fine. He was going to survive. He was going to get better. He was, Dick was sure of it. Whatever caused this they would get passed it. Right? Damian would recover and they would get passed this. Just another speed bump. Right? He only 13, hes too young to die. Right?

He wanted to believe that, believe that Damian was too young to die, he had too much potential to die. But he knew that the world didn't care how young someone was or how much potential they had. Everyone was equal in the eyes of death and it had been almost 4 hours simce those doors shut leaving Dick out here in the waiting room with nothing to listen to but his racing thoughts and Jasons angry footsteps.

After what felt like a lifetim the door opened and Dinah walked out looking sad. Dick immedatly felt his heart drop and he felt like he was going to be sick. This couldn't be happening, he couldnt be dead. It was impossible. 

"Please" Dick whispered. He needed her to say Damian was okay. He needed to hear that his baby brother was alive.

"He's asleep" She spoke clearly and flatly, Dick could tell she was also trying to keep it tigether. She had been Damians and his own therapist for years. Dick couldnt even imagine how she felt. "It was stop and go there for a little white but he's stablized and resting."

"Can we see him?" Dicks voice sounded weak and shaky. Dinah nodded and walked back into the hospital room with Dick and Jason followering her. Damian was laying on his back in the hospital bed connected to a heart monitor and some IV bags. He looked so small and weak. Dick thought that seeing Damian alive and breathing would help but his mind flashed back to Damian barley alive and lying on the bed where Dick found him.

Dick felt tears start streaming down his face. He was happy but all he could do was cry. Damian was alive but he felt so sad. His mind just burst into a rush of whys. Why did he do it? Why didnt Damian say anything? Why hadnt Dick noticed he was getting bad? Why didnt anyone notice? What before had felt like numb shock suddenly became very real and Dick couldnt handle it. He felt like he couldnt breath, his head was spinning and this all felt like a terrible nightmare. Now that he knew Damian was alive he couldnt feel anything ither than sheer panic at why any of this had happened and what would happen next. He wanted to move closer to Damian, to touch his chest and feel him breathing. He also wanted to run away and hide and pray to wake up from this dream, this nightmare. But he couldn't do either, he just stood there frozen. Feeling like he couldnt breath. 

His head was spinning and his chest felt too tight. He was feeling like he might pass out but he couldnt move, he was frozen just looking at Damian asleep on the hospital bed. 

"Dick are you okay?" Dinahs voice was cautionary. Dick grabbed onto the sleeve of her shirt feeling like he was going to collapse. He wanted to look at her but his attention was stuck on Damians sleeping form. Dick didnt register his legs giving out under him, just that he was now on the floor with Dinah crouched down infront of him. 

"He's dead" dick mumbled. Looking at the floor with a feverish anxiety. He felt Dinah brush her hand throigh his hair and he wanted to scream. 

"Dick he's not dead."

"NO, no, no he hes he took the pills he took my pills. He took my pills and he hes hes dead. Hes dead hes dead." Dicks mind refused to register anything else.

"Dick look at me" Dick looked up at her and shw was frowning softly. "You're in shock from everything that happened. Its making it hard for you to rationalize, but I promise. Damian is alive"

Dick tried to focus on what she was saying but his brain was still screaming that Damian was dead. That Dick had been too late, that he hadnt saved Damian. That he lsot his baby brother. That all of this was fake and Damian had been dead from the moment Dick found him. He couldnt understand anything. He wasnt sure what the fuck was real. 

"Jason can you take him to his room and keep an eye on him to make sure he doesnt do anything ... Brash."

Dick didnt even register that she had been talking about him until he felt Jasons hand on his arm helping him stand back up. He felt dizzy and disconnected. The walk back to his room felt like it took a year in silence. He was so tired and confused. Everything just felt so wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2+ comments and I'll post the next chapter


	3. Day 1(pt.2)

Damian woke up feeling sick, panicked, and claustrophobic. It took him a second to wake up enough before he came to the terrifying realization. He was AWAKE and therefore ALIVE. He forced himself to continue pretending to be asleep as panic surged through him. 

He heard the beeping of the heart monitor and could feel restraints on his arms. There was no outside noise like a regular hospital so he was probably in a medbay either in the cave, the mountain, or the watchtower. Panic bubbled up through him. He failed. He failed, he failed, he failed. How the hell did he fail? He had planned everything perfectly. He had more than enough time and more than enough pills. There was no way he should have survived unless somebody 'saved' him. But he had planned it out so that Dick would still be at work.

The more Damian thought about it the more he panicked. He had failed and now everyone was going to know what happened. They're going to ask questions, they're going to want to know why. Theyre going to have read the note and know that Damian was a weak brat who couldnt protect himself. tears of frustration were burning his eyes.

What now? How was he supposed to face Dick or Jason or anyone? How was he supposed to go on living? After Dick attempted he hadnt been allowed to be alone for atleast a month. Damian couldnt last that long. He needed to try again, he needed to succeed but now there was no way they would give him that opportunity. 

What was Dick going to say? Was he going to cry? Damian hated seeing him cry, he hated this whole situation. He wanted to just dissapeare into the bed out of pure shame and anxiety. He was absolutely terrified of having to look at the faces of all these people who he respected and see them look at hin like the dissapointment he was. Damian let tears start streaming diwn his cheeks and he sniffled. He didnt usually let himself show emotion so openly but right now he didnt care. Right now all he cared was that he was such a worthless fucking failure that he could even kill himself properly. 

"Dami are you awake?" Damian heard Dicks voice soft and felt a hand sit on his wrist. A violent wave of rage and energy swept through him and Damian squeezed his eyes tighter pulling violently against the restraints. He wanted to scream. He wanted them to let him go. He wanted to die and there fucking assholes were keeping him alive!

"Damian calm down, you're safe" Dicks voice was still calm but Damian heard him click a nurse call button that made him angrier. He pulled at the restraints and hit the hospital bed hearing the metal clash against itself. The noise fuled the rage isnide of him. He slammed his head back and kicked at the bed and anything that caused sound. His limited ability to move was making his rage turn into panic and he wanted free. He didnt want to be pinned. He didnt like it. He didnt like it! HE DIDN'T LIKE IT! 

"Damian please, calm down" Dick didnt sound as calm now as he brushed through Damians hair in an obvious attempt to get him to stop hitting his head. Still Damian struggled under his grasp still full of rage and wanting to hurt hismelf and be as loud as possible. He didnt care that he was essentially throwing a full temper tantrum like a child. He was so angry and scared and confused and frustrated. Soon other hands were holding him down and he could hear multiple people trying to calm him. But the more people who touched him the less he was thrashing and crying from anger and the more he was fighting against them in sheer panic. 

"NO! LET ME GO, LET ME GO." he struggled wanting out of the grasp of the people holding him down. He didnt want to be here, he didnt even want to be alive. "LET ME GO, PLEASE. STOP STOP STOP STOP." Between the screaming and the sobbing Damian choked on his breath and broke down into a coughing fit. By the time he caught his breath again he had burned himself out of energy and was dizzy and nauseous. He curled into himself lying on his side and crying softly. A few long seconds of silence pasy before someone spoke up.

"Damian?" A female voice spoke. It was Dinah aka black Canary aka the person who had been Damians therapist for nearly three years. He had seen her the day before the attempt and told her that everything was fine. 

"I hate you" Damian growled with as much anger as he could in his exhaustion "I hate all of you. I wANTED TO DIE. WHY DIDNT YOU LET ME JUST DIE?"

* * *

Dick heard thsoe words and his heart broke into a million pieces. He still had his hand resting on Damians head from tryong to cslm the boy diwn just a few minutes before. Dick had prefered it when Damian had been screaming and sobbing and having a meltdown cause it was a million times better than hearing him lying on his side crying and cursing them for not letting him die.

Up till this point Dick had been trying to convince himself that it had been some kind of accident. Maybe he took too many on accident, or it had been impulsive and done durring flashbacks, or that this was all a big misunderstanding. But hearing Damian say those words made it impossible to deny. He had very intentionally taken those pills and he had been trying to end his life.

He looked at Dinah and Diana who were also in the room and had back at Damian who was now just laying there and crying quietly. Dick felt like he had no idea what to do. He wanted to help but he wasnt sure how. Seeing Damian screaming and crying like that was one of the most heartbreaking things he had ever seen. He would give anything for Damian to be okay again. He didnt care. From now on thatw as his only conern, making sure Damian got better. 

"Why?" Dick found himself speaking without thinking about it and both wemon looked up at him. He knew it was the wrong thing to say but it was the only thing he could think of. Dick had read the note a hundred times trying to figure it out but nothing. Nothing explained why this had happened. Damian opened his eyes for the first time and looked at Dick. His eyes were bloodshot and he had bags under then that Dick had never noticed before. How long had Damian been suffering in silence before he attempted. How long had Dick been completely oblivious? 

"you saved me" Damians voice was ice cold "this is your failt, why didnt you let me die? Why do you hate me so much that you are fircing me to stay alive when I dont want to?" 

Dick looked away from Damians cold glare "I dont hate you lil'D. I just..."

"THEN WHY DIDNT YOU LET ME DIE!" Damian scrwmaed lunging toward Dick who instinctively moved back even though he knew Damian was restrained. "GET OUT! I HATE YOU"

"Damian ple..."

"GET OUT!!!!" 

Dick swallowed hard and walked out of the hospital room. He didnt go very far, having only made it to the waiting room before resting his back on the wall and sinking to the floor. He immediately burried his face into his arms and began to cry. Maybe Damian was just on edge from all the medicine, maybe he didnt mean those things, maybe...maybe...maybe he was just tired and would feel better after he slept. 

That had to be it. Right? Damian was so young and small, he was just a child. He would get over this hurdle just like he had gotton over the other ones. A gentle hand touched Dicks arm and he junped looking up to see Wally crouched down infront if him. He offered a weak smile and Dick broke curling into the redheads arms and crying. 

Damian tried to kill himself.

Dick saved him.

Now Damian hated Dick and blamed him for still being alive. And Dick wanted nothing more than to see his baby brother be okay again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ill post next update when the story had 10+ comments


	4. Day 2

"How are you feeling today Damian?" Dinah sat down beside Damian with a soft smile. She was trying to be optimistic and kind even thoigh she knew it was of no use. Damian was going to be agressive and angry no matter what she did. Still, she felt partially guolty here ebcause the day before the attempt they had a therapy session and she hadnt noticed any suicidal or self harmful behavior and then this happened.

Damian was sitting on the bed. He still had hand restraints and he was looking at the wall behind her. His face looked pale and he had bags under his eyes. This morning had been eventful, though she hadnt been here she was told that he had nightmares and woke up screaming and crying multiple times throughout the night. As well as he was refusing to even see Dick. She was certain he would stop being angry at Dick sooner than later but she hoped it didnt take too long cause Dick was taking this very poorly. But this wasnt about Dick right now. This was Damians session, Dick would have a therapy session later that evening.

"I brought you something to eat" she offered and sat a plate of pancakes on the bed infront of Damian. He looked at her and then the plate before kicking the plate onto the ground. Dinah frowned lookingat the shattered glass and wasted food. "Why did you do that?" She asked marking down his refusal to eat breakfast. He had also refused dinner the previous night. Damian dodnt reaspond, he just looked at her angrily. If she wasnt sure the restraints could hold she would have been concerned about him trying to attack her. 

"Damian. Why did you take the pills?" This was worse then when she first tried to get Damian to start therapy three years ago. Back then he had been reluctant to speak. Now he was giving her nothing of value.

"Because I wanted to die" He snapped and Dinah had to supress a sigh. So it was going to be like this. 

"Why did you want to die?" She pushed hoping he would give her something she could work with. Instead he tuned away ignoring her. This line of questioning wasnt going to get anywhere. "I notoced you have some fresh cuts on your leg. How long ago did you relapse on self harm?"

Damian shrugged and Dinah noticed him glancing at his sketchpad across the room. It had been brought in by Jason last night to try and help Damian calm down after one if his nightmares. But it had been sat to the side cause they didnt want him using it unless spmeone was watching cause of him potentially cutting himself or attacking someone with the pencil. "I will give you your sketchpad if you speak with me" She tried to bargain and remebered that Damian was still a child, as mature as he was she couldnt go about therapy with him the same way she wouldnwith Dick or another adult.

Damian looked at her seemingly contemplating the offer before nodding. She grabbed the sketchpad and a single mechanical pencil and sat them down on the bed, the restrainta were loose enoigh the had could draw with the sketchapd on his lap. "Okay now for your side of the deal. How long ago did you relapse on self harm?" 

"It doesn't matter" he muttered and continued drawing something he had started last night. From what Dinah could see it looked like a brick wall inside and alley. She thought about taking the sketchpad away but he had technically wjthheld his end. He did tall to her, just not usefully. 

"Yes it does. You matter Damian and you wouldnt be hurting yourself if soemthing wasnt bothering you, so what is bothering you? Why are you hurting youself?" Damian tensed up amd continued sketching the wall that he was drawing. Dinah noted it down just incase it had something to do with anything. She wished this was going better but it would take time to get him to come around, she knew that. Several minutes of silence filled only by the sketching pencil.

She obviously wasnt about to get an answer. "What are you drawing?" She tried another path, really she needed just one crack in his shell that she could get into and help him. But he was making that excessively difficult. 

Damian glanced up like he was suprised by the questions. "An alley" he muttered and Dinah noticed him tensing uncomfurtably which only deepened her suspicion that this drawing had something to do with what happened. "Its a short cut between the apartment aand the police station"

"Is there a reason you're drawing it? Did soemthing happen there?" 

Dinah could see immediately she struck a cord. Damian tightened his grip on the pencil till it began to fracture and looked at the page with a dead glare. His breathing was begining to pick up and it lookednlike he was at the beginnings of a panic attack. Her motherly instincts overtook her therapist ones and she reached out a hand sitting it on Damians to comfurt him. Bad idea. He instantly jerked away from her pulling on the restraints and looking very visibly upset and distressed. Dinah carefully took his pencil not really sure of what he was going to do next and not wanting to risk him having a weapon while panicking.

"Hey, its okay. Just talk to me" she tried to get him to focus back on her but instead he seemed focused on the restraints on his wrist. He was scratching at them and pulling. 

"Stop. Stop, please" Damian was beginning to cry and pull at his restraints more. Dinah was debating weather or not to take them off. The maternal side of her wanted to take them off and comfort him, the therapist side of her could clearly see they were causing distress and needed to be removed, the hero side if her could see nothing but a suicidal ex-assassin in a room full of sharp objects and make-shift weapons. 

"Stop what?" She asked hoping to talk him through it. But every second he just got more and more riled up. "Talk to me Damian, stop what?"

* * *

"I dont know, I dont, please. Please stop." Damian drew his knees up to sit in the fetal position "I dont know, i don't know, i dont know. Just stop." He wasnt even really sure who he was begging or why but they were the only conherent thoughts he could form.

He was fully panicking. The feeling of hands on his wrsits pinning him down, someone way too close in his personal space, the overwhlming feeling of sickness and disgust over his own body. He wanted it all to stop and he wished he knew why he was having it in the first place. The feelings were overwhelming enough but the fact he couldnt even remeber what happened to cause him to feel this way was beyond infuriating. Why couldnt he remeber that night? Why was it so fuzzy? What happened to make him feel so gross and violated. 

He once again tried to yank his wrists out of the grasp of the hands... no they were restraints not hands. His mind kept switching back and forward. Hands, restraints, hands, restraints. Either way they were pinning his wrist and adding the the panic that threatened to consume him. He felt like he couldnt breath and his chest was painfully tight. His head was spinning. He felt the same way he had felt that night. Dizzy, nauseous, confused, exhausted, unsteady, and with the taste of salt burning over his tongue. He could feel the hands pinning his wrists down, he could feel the wall behidn him. Warm breath close to his ear. Someone pushed up close against him. 

"Grayson" he whimpered without even thinking. He wasnt sure why he was calling for Dick but he was scared and wanted Dick to protect him. He wanted Dick to hold him and protect him from the person. He wanted Dick to protect him from whatever had happeend that night. 

"Dick? Do you want me to get him?" Dinahs voice was grating and it annoyed Damian but he nodded. Dick would stop this. He would protect him. He would keep him safe from the person and the feelings. Damian ahted this, he felt so weak and vulnerable. Why did he have to be so fucking weak. None if this would have happened if he hadnt been such a weak fucking baby. Too trusting and too weak to protect himself. 

The only thing that was giving Damian any semblance of passing time was the fact that it was getting increasingly hard to breath and he was growing increasingly dizzy. To the point it was becoming hard to even sit up. "Make it stop" he muttered to nobody, he wanted it to stop. He was miserable.

"Make what stop little D?" Damian looked up at the sound of Dicks voice and was filled with joy and relief. Dick would keep him safe, Dick would protect him. 

Dick sat down on the edge of the bed and Damian immediatly curled up into his arms crying into Dicks shirt. "Please, please dont, dont let him hurt me. Please dont. i cant. Please make it stop" he knew he was babbling but he didnt care. He felt so scared and tired that it didnt matter what he said. Dick was here, Dick would protect him.

Damian continued to cry as he listened to Dicks gentle assurances. By the time he managed to calm down he felt like shit. This was why he needed to die, because he couldnt handle this shit. He didnt have the strength to be able to handle this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know the drill  
> Story hits 16+ comments and I post the next chapter


	5. Day 3

"Im being selfish" those were Dicks first words as he sat down foe his therapy sessions. The first one since Damian attempted. He was exhausted and had so many unidentifiable emotions that he didnt wven know what else to say or thing.

"Why do you say that?" Dinah asked and Dick butried his hand into his face just trying to think. 

"Im being selfish. I should be focusing on trying to help Damian but I cant. He's the one who almost died not me, I shouldn't be struggling with it this much" 

"But you are" 

"YES" Dick felt like such a selfish asshole. "Ever since I found Damian I have been having ntohing but panic attacks and nightmares and flashbacks and anxiety and self harm thoughts. I shouldn't be feeling these things, i shouldn't be so having such a hard time with this but I cant stop. Im being so selfish, I need to be paying attention to him. I need to be there for him. I ... I... I need. I need to stop being so selfish I..."

"Dick breath" Dinahs order made Dick stop and take a deep shaky breath. He hadnt even relized how out of breathe he was till she spoke.  
"You are perfecrly allowed to feel all these things, all of them are perfectly rational feelings. And Honestly I should have had a session with you as soon an Damian was stabilized. Waiting this long was a mistake of my part. "

Dick nodded still feeling guilty that he felt anything outside of his need to help Damian. 

"Youre having flashbacks again? Can I ask what they are about? Your own attempt maybe? Or your parents deaths?"

Dick wanted to cry "no, I keep having flashbacks to finding him. he looked so small and I thought he was... oh god" he covered his mouth not wanting to remeber the scene. Not wanting it to be real.

"Dick, you never really told me. What happened, how did you find him?" 

Dick thought about it for a second. "He stayed home from school, said he wasnt feeling well. I believed him. I went to work but at work I stared feeling sick and came home early. When I came home he was asleep in my bed. I thought he had just gone to sleep cause he didnt feel good but then I saw the bottle. My pain pills, they were my pills that he took. And he was barley breathing. When I tried to find his pulse he, he stopped breathing and I had to..." 

Dicks voice broke and he covered his face trying to keep himself from crying but his entire body was trembling. "I thought I lost him. I thought I lost him. I thought he was gone. I. He took my pills, if I had them locked up he wouldnt have been able to acess them. If I hadnt come home early he would have succeeded. He almost succeeded. Dinah he almost died." 

He stopped feeling sick to his stomach. He remebered the terrifying feeling when he felt Damian stop breathing. The feeling of horror when he first saw the open bottle.

"Dick" a sharp snap brought him out of his thoughts and he looked at Dinah. "That is a very traumatic experience and the emotions that it brings up are perfectly valid. A suicide attempt can be as traumatic for the discoverer as it is for the attempter. You can focus on helping Damian without imvalidating youself."

Dick still felt guilty about it. About focusing om himself in any way. About not being there for Damian 24/7 

"You said youre having self harm thoughts. How serious are they? Have you followed through with any?" 

Dick looked down feeling guilty. He had been having them. He kept getting into states where he was trying to think of signs that he must have missed. And durring flashbacks and after nightmares. and when he got home from work only to fidn Damian wasnt there. He kept getting violently depressed and wanting to self harm. 

"Dick please answer the question. Suicides often have domino effects. They cause other people, especially those with histories, to attempt as well. I just need to make sure you are okay. Have you been suicidal? Have you been self harming?"

"Not suicidal" Dick muttered "I cut, once after having flashbacks I just lost control. And then I felt so guilty about it afterward." He tensed feeling like he might get yelled at or scolded. But instead he felt a hand brush over his rubbing the back of his hand with a thumb. He looked at Dinah who smiled sadly at him.

"Just once?" She questioned and he nodded. He had thought about it a lot more but decided that if he let himself fall into that hole he wouldnt be about to help Damian. "Okay, maybe we should adjust your medicine just to help a bit, till everythign settles down"

Dick nodded again. He was so tired, he just burst out crying. He wasnt even sure why he was crying at this point. He was just so emotionally raw that he couldnt even control himself anymore. He tried to suppress the tears but his body wouldnt do it. He heard Dinah move her chair beside him and sit a hand on his shoulder. "Its okay Dick, youre allowed to cry" He tangled his hands into his hair and cried harder while she rubbed his back. 

"Has he said why yet" dick asked after a long while. Dinah stayes quiet for a second like she was contemplating something.

"Not yet, but just give it time."


	6. Day 3 (pt.2)

**Febuary 6th, 2023, 5:06PM**

**I have been having nightmares every night, multiple times a night, ever since the failed attempt. Dinah keeps getting me to tell her about them, I dont want to talk about them. I dont want to talk about anything, I just want them to let me go so I can try again. And this time I won't fail. I still dont understand how I failed. I was so sure that I had plenty of time for the medicine to kick in and kill me. The next time I wont make that same mistake. Dinah has been saying if I wont tell her then I should write it down. I dont imagine this will help but I will write it. Honestly this is mostly so that hopegully she will see me writing and be more likely to let me go home.**

**The nightmares are all of the same thing. That night. I dont even know what happened that night but I keep dreaming of it.**

**It was a new years party at the police station where Dick worked. I had been there with Dick when I began to feel sick and decided to walk home since it wasnt that far of a walk. Dick offered to take me home but I insisted I could walk. I quickly regretted that decision. With in five minutes I began to feel sick to my stomach. I had a really strange salty taste in my mouth. I got dizzy and tired and nauseous and spacy to the point I was walking more out of muscle memory than conscious decision.**

**My memory starts to cut out at this point. I think I tripped on something and fell but I know I began to throw up. And I dont remember getting back up but I remeber feeling the brick wall against my back and I felt hands wrapping aroudn my wrist holding them over my head.**

**I dont know who this was. I dont know if my eyes were closed or if my memory is just too fuzzy but I cant identify who it was.**

**I remember feeling warm breath on my neck. Someone saying somethign I couldnt udnerstand. The feeling on someone being way to close and way too into my personal space. And then nothing. I dont even remeber getitng home. Just waking up in bed after Dick came back. Running a fever and feeling so violated and uncomfortable.**

**I have felt sick and violated ever since. I keep feeling so unbearably dirty but not in a way I can explain. Every tien my mond keeps going back to the alley. At first I thought maybe I just imagined it, a fever dream. But now I dont think so. I think something happened and I cant remeber it. I think at the party someone drugged my drink. It could have been anyone. There were all the police mebers who worked there, wives, husbands, children, friends of the officers. Thats the only think I can think if that would explain everything. The salty tasts, the spaceyness and dizziness, the memory loss, the nausea.**

**Even writing about it makes me feel so gross and dirty and weak. I dont know what happened but I was too weak to stop it. I know that. I just want to die. I cant do this anymore. I cant take it I cant handle this I hate it. I hate feeling dirty. I hate that I cant remeber what happened. I just want it to all stop.**

**I cant tell anyone. I cant let them know that I am a shameful disgraceful. And really what am I suposed to say? I think that somehow at a party at a police station I get drugged with an unknown drug by an unknown person and that unknown person followed me out of the station with nobody noticing and did something to me in an alley that I cant remember.**

**Even I think that sounds crazy. I feel like im going crazy. I just cant do this anymore. I just want to die I cant deal with this anymore. Its all flashbacks and panic attacks. And my body is just so disgusting. Its been disgusting ever since that night.**

**I thought maybe I would ask Dick if Father had ever drugged him, durring the time he was being abused. Just to see if his experience lined up with mine as a confirmation that iim notnjust crazy and thats what actually happened. But i am honestly too scared to ask him.**

**Ive been scared a lot lately. Ive been scarred to go outside alone, ive been scared to be alone, any time I get dizzy or nauseous I get scared tjat its going ro happen agaim. I cant do this, i cant do it, i cant do it. I want it to stop. I want the nightmares to stop. I want the dreams and the fear to stop. I want it all to stop.**

**5:43PM**

**I am sorry for the small time gap. I am so weak that even writing about it was enough to trigger flashbacks and I am just so exhausted. I cant do this anymore, why can't they just understand that im too weak to keep going on. I just want it all to be over.**


	7. Day 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and for anyone who might ne thinking damian is jumping from extremes a lot remeber hes like 13. Suicidal children are very different from suicidal (older) teens and adults. They often jump violently from  
> Nothing and nobody can help me and I want to die end of story  
> To  
> Im scared to die and I just want someone to love and cuddle me and say everything is okay.

Damian let the warm water fall over his skin just relaxing in the shower. After about 5 days of managing medicine and daily therapy he had been allowed to go back home last night so long as he followed certain rules. 

He hated the rules but he knew that if he followed them then he would be let off this stupid line-of-sight rule faster and would be able to try again. And the next time he would succeed.

He ranked his fingers through his hair just trying to relax a little. He had been running on high anxiety and paranoia all day. And of course the prolonged high paranoia and anxiety was causing diziness which was in turn causing more anxiety. It was leaving him exhausted and irritatable. He wanted it all to just stop for a while. He wanted it to stop forever. He had somehow convinced Dinah that he was stable enough to go home but he knew it was a lie. He was just as bad as before and still wanted nothing more than to die. It was an all consuming desire that filled his mind at ever idle minute. He just needed to convince everyone that he was okay so they would lift their stupid suicide watch precautions. 

The shower was helping with the anxiety so he was going to just stay and absorb it for as long as posssible. Hopefully Dick wouldnt think too much ofnit, afterall Damian was known for takingf long showers even before. It was a nice change to feel like his senses werent under attack even if it was just for a short time. The heat and steam of the shower was begining to make Damian feel slightly lightheaded. He rested his back against the cold tile wall and closed his eyes to steady himself.

He yawned stretching his arms up over his head and immediately regretted his decision as he felt the phantom feeling of hands wrap around his wrists. He gasped and jerked him arms down but it was too late. He still felt the phantom hands on his wrists pushing them against the wall. The tile wall felt like the sharp bricks digging up against his back. He wanted to open his eyes but he was too scared and felt like if he opened his eyes he would see the person. He felt a body push up against him and he knew it was a sensory hallucination but it felt so real and there was nothing he could do to stop it. He felt the warm breath against his neck. 

He felt his heart in his throat. He was extremely dizzy and terrified. He wanted to move or scream or cry or do anything but he just stood there frozen. He had never had a freeze response before (he had always been mpre prone to the fight reflex) and he didnt know why he was having one now. All he knew is that he was so scared. Dispite the fact it wasnt real every part of the sensory memory felt overwhelmingly real. So much so that the feeling of the person pushed up against him made him feel claustrophobic and it was becoming hard to breath. He felt a phantom knees push between his legs separating them and a phantom hand leave one of his wrists and move to running up his stomach. 

He hopelessly whimpered as loud as he could manage hoping that maybe Dick would hear him and somehow stop the sensory hallucinations. It was the only noise he could manage. He felt the phantom hands both move to his hips and Damian squeezed hos eyes closed tighter. He didnt remebeer any of this happening. He didnt remeber anything after his arms being pinned. Did any of this even happen or was he just imagining it? He balled his fist up against the wall and trying to convince himself to move, or open his eyes, or do something to attempt to disrupt and break the sensory memory. But he was too scared.

For some reason he was terrified that if he tried to move or talk he would be hurt or even killed. He had no idea where this fear came from but it was too overwhelming for him to break out of. He was hyperventilating from panic and that mixed with the hot air from the shower was making him sickly dizzy and feeding even more into the flashback. He was feeling like he was seriously about to throw up or pass out. He dug his head back against the tile and grit his teeth whimpering again. He felt the phatom hand running lower down his hips and then up his thigh.

"Damian are you okay in there?" Dicks voice followed by three loud knocks caused the sensory hallucinations to shatter and Damian immediately covered his mouth and sinking down to the floor. His mind was a conflicting mix of feeling reliefe that the hallucination was gone and feeling disgustingly violated. "Damian please dont make me come in there" Dicks voice was so calm and it made Damian want to seek his comfurt. 

He took a shaky hand turning off the shower and forcing himself to get up. He had to put his hand on the wall to remain balanced, he felt so dizzy and sick. He wrapped a towel around himself tightly and walked to the bathroom door opening it. Dick was standing on the other side looking mildly concerned.

"Are you okay? I thought I heard whi-"

Damian hugged him tightly balling his fists into the back of Dicks shirt and hiding his face agaisnt the soft fabric. Dick was quick to respond with hugging back. Immediately after Dick hugged Damian broke down sobbing. He didnt care that he was being openly emotional and childish. He couldnt take this anymore. 

"Damian whats wrong? What happened?" Dick pulled Damian away from him slightly and crouched down so they were on the same level. Damian violently rubbed his eyes looking at Dick. He wanted to tell Dick everything and also wanted to tell him nothing.

"I cant" he coughed choaking over his words "i cant, I, I cant. I.." he gasped feeling out of breath and dizzy. He rested his head agianst Dicks shoulder and burst out cry once again. "I cant do this anymore, I cant do it. I cant" 

Dick brushed his hand through Damians hair. Damian was so tired. He was sad and exhausted, he just wanted everything to stop. He couldnt keep doing this, these flashbacks took to much of his strength and energy. Dicks hand rested of Damians chin and lifted it up a little bit. Damian look him in the eyes, Dick had always had such pretty blue eyes. They were good for drawing and were always comfurting. "Hey, its okay. You can talk to me, tell me what happened" Dick sounded so calm and Damian didnt understand how. He really wanted to tell Dick everything. He really did but he didnt want Dick to think he was weak. 

"I-I want to die" he muttered and looked away from dick. "I want to die, I cant take this anymore. I cant do it please I just want to fucking die."

"Why?, please just talk to me Damian. I cant help you if you dont talk to me." Dick sounded so genuine and Damian was once again split between his desire to keep his secret and his desire to spill everything. He tangled his fists into his hair pacing and still hyperventilating. His hands and lips were begining to tingle from lack of oxygen. 

"Please dont hate me. Please im sorry, I shouldnt have been so weak, I should have protected myself. I, im sorry" He turned back to Dick who was still crouched down and watching Damian. He looked nothing short of calm and ready to comfurt.

"You dont have to apologize, you did nothing wro..."

"I WAS RAPED" Damian fully snapped and screamed at Dick. Then suddenly he was filled with regret as he saw the expression on Dicks face change. He wished he could take it back. Panic flooded him and he stepped back irrationall afraid that Dick was about to punish him for being weak. He quickly tried to recover the situation.  
"Or assaulted. I think I was at least, I dont remeber, Its all fuzzy. I think I was drugged and I cant really remeber anything other than being dizzy and collapsing then someone pinning my wrist to a wall" 

Damian was gasping for breath, his vision was begining to get splotchy and fuzzy. He was panicking and terrified. He looked at Dick who was perfectly still and silent. He was watching Damian expressionless.

"please dont hate me im sorry I should have protected myself im sorry im sorry im sorry." Damian gasped feeling sharp pain in his chest. "I, i cant breath" Damian felt like he was dying. Dick finally seemed to snap out of his trance and moved quickly.

"Shh its okay, just breath, look at me and breath" Dicks voice was calm. Damian looked at him wide eyed and panicking. He could see Dick breathing but he couldnt follow. He couldnt focus enough to calm down. He squeezed his eyes closed and the pain in his chest was making him panic more. He was hit with a violent wave of dizziness and all but collapsed against Dicks chest. He balled his fist into Dicks shirt still struggling to breathe. Everything was bad, he punched Dicks chest trying to form words but he couldnt. He couldnt do anythign but panic more and more.

Dick wrapped his arms around Damian tightly and Damian felt safer. He tried to curl into Dick as much as he could and listen to his breathing. "Thats right Dami, in and out. You can do it" 

Damian tried to follow dicks instructions. In out in out in out. It fwlt like it took an hour for him to get his breathing under control and by the time he did he felt worse than he had after his overdose. He was so far beyong drained and exhausted and terrified. He couldnt even think about what would happen next. Just that he was very, very, very tired.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I worked hard on this chapter so yall know the drill.
> 
> The story hits 22+ comments, I post the next chapter.


	8. Day 6 (pt.2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: ED Behaviors

Damian sat on his bed half dressed and feeling completely adrift. He had no idea what was going on anymore. It had beena bout thirty minutes since his panicked confession and now that he was coming down off his adrenaline high state he wanted to just vanish. He hadnt wanted to tell Dick, he hadnt wanted to tell anyone. But now Dick knew and Damian didnt feel any safer or at ease. He felt worse.

He had this mounting paranoia that now that Dick knew everyone would find out. Dick was going to hate him, think he was weak. Others were going to find out, people are going to fond out and see how weak he was and hate him. He had thoight that maybe telling someone would lift the weight off his chest a little but instead it made it feel so much heavier. He dug his nails into his side and scratched across his stomach in the path that the person had slid their hands over him. He felt small spots of blood on his fingers and it made him desperate for more but also very aware that Dick was somewhere just outside of the partially opened bedroom door. 

Still he dug his nails im deeper wanting to hurt. He needed to do it and he needed to do it soon. He needed to start finding a new plan so he could make another, this time successful, attempt. A heavy thought sparked in his mind, he had no idea who did this. He didnt know. It could have been anyone, it could be someone close to him, someone he talked to every day. Damian knew the statistic over 80% of sexual assaults are done by someone the victim knew. What if he knew the person? What if they did this again? 

A knock on the door startled him out of his thoughts and he threw on his shirt hoping that the small amount of blood would show through the dark fabric. Dick poped his head in, he was dressed for work. For some reason the blue uniform made Damian squirm and feel oddly uncomfortable but he pushed it out of his mind as just anxiety from being so on edge. "Its time fornyou to go to the cave" Dick informed "you have therapy with Dinah then Jasons going to pick you up for the rest of the day." Dick paused foe a second and messed with his fingers. Damian appreciated that he was trying to act like nothing had just happened but it also made him kinda mad cause hefelt like he wasnt being acknowledged. "I think you should tell her" helis voice wasnt very confident and the idea of telling someone else made Damian want to dig his nails right back into his skin.

He wasnt going to tell her, he wasnt going to tell anyone, he shouldnt have even told Dick. But he just nodded. No point in getting in an argument iver it, he was already too tired to care. He just wanted to go to sleep.

* * *

This was the first time he had been back in the cave since his attempt. Nobody knew what had happened and were told that there was a minor patrol injury he was recoverimg from. Damian appreciated the privacy but still felt like he was gettimg weird stares as he walked through the halls of the cave to to Canarys office. Dick had called Dinah before hand and Damian was afraid that he told her everything.

He knocked on the door quietly wanting to run away. "Come in" her voice was soft and welcoming but Damian hated every part of it. He wanted to be far away from here, he wanted to be dead. Her office was the same as ever but now instead of sitting on opposite ends of a desk she had both chairs on the same side of the desk so they werent separated. Damian hesitantly came in sitting on the chair that was unoccupied. He didnt know why he was so nervous, he had been the therapy with her in this office for almost three years. But he was so scared that Dick had said something to her.

He sat down drawing his knees onto the chair and resting his chin on his shoulders. "How are you doing today Damian?" Dinahs voice wa sinviting but Damian didnt want tonplay along. He just shrugged and looked away. 

"Fine" he muttered feeling the scratches on his side hiss in pain as his shirt brushed against them. Dinah just nodded and wrote something down. 

"Really?" Dinah asked lifting one eyebrown and Damian felt panic. Dick told her didnt he? No he trusted Dick more than that, he trusted Dick not to say anything. "Cause im trying to give you a chance to tell me what happened this morning" 

Damian bit his lip paranoid "it was fine" he muttered hoarsely. his hands were shaking and he wanted to get out of here. This office felt really small and suffocating. Dinah nodded but seemed dissatisfied with his answer. Dick had obviously told her something. 

"Here" Dinah got up out of her chair and grabbed a sketchpad handing it to Damian. "Draw something." She said simply. She had done this many times, ever since Damian first started therapy with her. He had never really understood it but she claimed it was a very useful tool. Damian looked at her and the paper. "Draw anything you want, whatever is occupying your mind right now"

Damian nodded and began to absently sketch trying to ignore her occassional note taking. He knew she was watching him and he hated it. Aafter about five minutes of scribbling he found himself drawing the alley again. Why? He hadnt wanted to draw this, it was just the first thing to come to his mind. And he had been drawing it alot lately, he knew his sketchoads were filled with images on that same alley way. 

"The alley again?" Dinah asked and Damian wanted to hide the drawing like he had been caught doing something wrong. "Ive noticed you drawing that ablot recently" 

"Its a good drawing alley" Damian lied. It really wasnt that isntesting of a place to draw.

"Okay, tell me about it?" Dinah didnt seem to belive him. Damian didnt reallt blame her, that was a weak argument. He needed to remeber to no longer let her see him drawing this image.

"Its just a small alley between a bakery and an office building. Its a good shortcut to get from the police station to the house. It saves almost fifteen minutes of walking. There are no camera and it cant be seen from either street so its a good place to be alone"  
Damian realised how much he had set himself up to be hurt. He had hid in that alley way when he needed to be alone for all those reasons, he also always used that alley as a shortcut qhen he wanted to get tot he other side of town. The person had probably seen that and knew that Damian would take that shortcut home. They probably saw damian hanging out there knew that it was secluded. Damian had really brough it upon himself.

"And you keep drawing it just cause you like it there. Not because something happened?" Dinah pushed slightly and Damian withdrew from her no longer wanting to talk. He closed the notebook looked down at the wall behind Dinah. Maybe she could tell how uncomfurtable he looked because she offered him a bottle of water. 

"Sure" He muttered wanting to change the conversation. He wasnt comfurtable with the way this conversation was going. 

She grabbed a cold bottle of flavored water and handed it to Damian. He slowly opened it taking as much time as he could and trying to think of how to change the conversation. He brought rhe wayer bottle to his lips and as soon as he took his first drinka. Voilent throught shot through his mind.

_What if its drugged?_

Damian forced himself to swallow the drink that was already in his mouth but he now felt nauseous and panicky. He rested his head on his hands trying to reason with the paranoia. The drink wasnt drugged, he had opened it himself and it tasted fine. But the paranoia voice still rremained. 

_But what if it is? you've shown you obviously cant tell when you've been drugged? You dont know who drugged you, they could do it again._

"Damian, are you okay?" Dinah asked and Damian realized how suspect he must look. 

"I dont feel good" that wasnt a lie, he felt sick, very sick. He knew it was all im his mind but his stomach was doing flips at the thought he had once again accepted a drink without checking it. With this level of recklessness he had practically allowed himself to be drugged.

His mind was chanting 'it was drugged' over and over in his head even though he knew it wasnt. He must have looked as sick as he felt cause Dinah hummed quietly. "I think we've had enough today. How about you go lay down in your room and I'll call Jason to pick you up." Damian nodded and immediately left dropping the sketchpad on the floor. He heard Dinah yelled "leave the door opened" behind him. That was one of the various rules he had to follow in order to remain non-hospitalised. 

He all but ran back to his room and laid on the bed. His mind was chanting "its was drugged" and he just wanted it to shut up. The more his mind said ot the more he believed it until he was feeling dizzy and weak and confused and all the other symptoms of beind drugged. He rationally knew it was psychosomatic but his paranoia was telling him it was very real. 

He knew Jaosn was going to be there to pick him up soon and he didnt want the older man to see him so weak. Damian stumbled out of bed and to the bathroom closing the door. (The only exception to the open door rule) but not locking it because he didnt want to get in trouble. He sat down on the floor in front of the toilet hoping that with how nauseous he felt he would just throw up the flavored water and be done with this shit. But dispite the overwhelming nausea Damina showed no sign of throwing up or even gagging. For some reason this made him really angry. 

_Throw it up. It was drugged_

Damian knew that this voice im his mind was being irrational but the more he listened the more logical it sounded. After a few more minutes of sitting and trying to reason with himself Damian gave into the paranoid voice. He stuck his hand down his throat forcing himself to gag and throw up the drink. He forced himself to throw up multiple times until the paranoid voice in his mind settled and let him be. As soon as he was done he was feeling better. He knew this whole thing was stupid and irrational but all he cared right now was that the paranoia was quiet.


	9. Day 6 (pt.3)

By the time Jason picked him up Damian was exhausted from everything that had been going on that day. And Damian felt like a madsive burden onto his brothers. He hadnt gotten a chance to talk to Damian since he attempted and he was anxious about the older man. He respected the fuck out of Jason but he was also kinda scared of him. He silently watched Jason drove, he was definatly angry.

"How are you doing?" Jason asked much to Damian suprise. He was expecting to be yelled at or lectured but not to get a question of concern. Damian looked at him strange not sure if this was a trap or not. 

"Fine" he muttered and looked out the window. He didnt want to talk about it. Jason sighed. 

"Look kid, I'm not good at this sentimental shit so lets be straight here."  
Damian was thrown by the quick shift but didnt stop him from talking.  
"I remeber being 13 and i remeber that back when I was that age I was also suicidal. Probably for different reasons but still. I attempted once but I failed so miserably that nobody even noticed. I wish back then I had someone to tell me how it is." He paused for a second "Dick cares about you a lot, he wants to help you but you know how he is. I guess in trying to say that Dick is very soft and comfurting but if you need someone to talk to who wont coddle you, im still here.

The energy in the car was very tense and stiff "okay" he didnt know what else to say. He was suprised. He had never pictured Jason as suicidal. He knew very little about Jason before he became Robin at 13. He looked out the window. What could possibly make Jason suicidal? Jason was always fearless. Damian tried not to think about it. He knew Jason came from a rough childhood even if he didnt know the specifics of his situation. Whatever had caused Jason to be suicidal as a teenager probably was much more important and valid then Damian stupid reason.

"Its not your fault" jaosn said after several minutes of silence and Damian felt panic that Dick had told him. "Being depressed isnt your fault" Jason followed up and Damian felt relief "its not you being selfish or anything like that. I used to think thats what it was. Just be being greedy, i dont know if you feel that way. But if you do just know it's not your fault"

Damian shifted uncomfortably. He had been feeling selfish for his depression even since that night but he hadnt told anyone. The rest of the car ride was quiet and uneventful. Infact most the evening was uneventful until it came to dinner.

It was pizza which Damian wasnt terribly opposed to and he was even hungry until he took the first bit of it and the paranoid voice from earlier made its self known again.

_It could be drugged_

the voice hissed. Damian tried to ignore it and took another bite not wanting Jason to be suspicious of him. But with every bit the paranoia got louder and louder till it was scraming in his head. He was being irrational and childish but still. He finished one slice feeling sick. He wanted to throw it up the same way he had the water just to get his brain to shut up but the apartment was small and Jason would definatly hear him. So instead he just balled his fist digging his key into his palm trying to keep himself from freeking out over the small amount of food. After about fifteen minutes the paranoia was becoming unbearable and he knew he had to do something.

He got up and Jasons attwntion immediately flashed to him "where are you going? Jason asked quizzically

"To the restroom " Damian snapped and walked away. He heard Jason call after him to not lock the door. Damian didnt lock it, he just went into the bathroom and waited a minute or so before turnijg on the sink faucet. He didnt want to do this and he kneq he was being irrational but the paranoia was so loud that he felt like he had no other choice. He once again shived his fingers down his throat forcing himself to throw up the food and then continuing to force himself to throw up till stomach acid burned his throat. Finally the paranoid voice settled and Damian slowly got back up and cleaned himself up. 

As he say back in the livingroom he recieved a raised eyebrow from Jason but no question. Jason had started cleaning his gun and Damian took the opportunity to write in his journal. 

* * *

**Febuary 9th, 2023, 9:06PM**

**Ive made myself thrown up twice in the past 5 hours. I know its not healthy or rational but everytime I eat I get so paranoid that it's drugged. Even though its irrational i fully can not get these thoughts to go away. They have been getting steadily worse since thay night but today they got so bad I couldnt even drink water that Dinah gave me. Ive gone from 115 to 96 pounds because of this paranoia making it hard to eat but before today I had never forced myself to throw up before.**

**Today has been a bad day. I have really bad sensory flashbacks. Confessed everything to Dick during a panick attack, and now this paranoia. I thought telling Dick would maybe make it hurt less but I feel worse than before.**

**I feel more suicidal, more depressed, more scared. This stupid paranoia is at an all time high and ive been getting anxious that maybe the person will try again which is feedimg the food paranoia. Its just all bad. I just want to die, I cant do this anymore. I know I need help but I domt want it, I want to end it all. I cant get bettwr, I dont have it in me.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 24+ comments on the story and ill post next couple chapters


	10. Day 11

Damian wiped the saliva off if his chin and spat into the toilet before resting his back against the wall. His hands were trembling, really his whole body was shaking. He was supposed to be taking a shower, as he usually did after breakfast, but isntead here he was throwing up everything he had eaten.

Everything had taken a sharp turn downhill in the last several days. Damian was forcing himself to throw up almost everything he ate out of overwhelming paranoia. It had gotton bad enough that he had trouble keeping down water without having a full panic attack. He had also started self harming again. Digging his nails into his skin and tearing partially healed cuts, hitting his head, pulling his hair. And really any other kind of abuse he could inflict upon himself without anyone noticing.

He had started thinking of a plan. When Dick was giving him his medicine he was pretending to take them and then he was hiding them. It would take some time but Damian was convinced that this was worth it. He was struggling to even exist anymore. Since he confessed to Dick they hadnt talked about it dispite Dicks efforts. Dick also seemingly hadnt told Dinah cause she hadnt said anything about it.

"I need help" he muttered to himself. He did need help, he could admit that. He kept switching between wanting to get help to stop this painful cycle or just give up and commit the second he had enough pills. Today was one of the prior days. He wanted help, he wanted this all to stop. After a few minutes he manahed to pull himself up off the floor and into the scalding shower. He was trembling and knew it was from not eating enough mixed with lack of sleep and all the throwing up. The water was hot and stung against the scratches on his chest and stomach. Scratches he had put there himself.

He knew he should talk to Dick. But talking to Dick seemed to be the thing that made him go from bad to worse. He could talk to Dinah but he didnt want to risk all the different things that would potentially set off. 

He was slowly beginning to remember more of what happened. It seemed every time he had a flashback or nightmare his brain remembered a tiny bit more of what actually happened that night. But Damian still didnt know who the person was or how he had been drugged. He honestly didnt even thrust his memory at this point. Everything was so confusing. He just wanted all of this to be over. A loud knock on the door startled him.

"Damian youre gonna make us late for training" Dick called through the door.

"Im getting out" Damian called back trying to keep his voice as even as possible. He wasnt really looking forward to training. Honestly he had lost almost all his interest in being a hero. Being Robin gave him no thrill, no excitment, he didnt care about patrol or training or anything. And honestly he felt like he was mourning his lost interest. That had always been something he turned to to get him through bad spells and now he had lost every ounce of desire to be a hero.

* * *

Training was uneventful at best. A simple 1:2 fighting practice. Damian ended up being the one and he was against a team of superboy and aqualad. He relized very quickly that training made him dizzy and tired. Not that anyone else noticed. Damian just thought back to his assassin training and pushed through the negative feelings. 

_Mother would be proud_ the thought popped into his head after he managed to take down both of his opponents. Mother had trained him to ignore and push through all mortal needs and just fight. She would be proud of him for fighting and winning through his exhaution and depression. That thought made Damian feel even worse. Because he knew that pride would mean nothing in comparison with how utterly disapointed she would be in him for having these feelings in the first place. He wasnt suposed to have feelings. Just actions. And how utterly dissapointed she would be in him for allowing himself to be drugged and assaulted. 

Damians thoughts were cut off by someone walking into the room. Damian flashed his eyes opened and saw a familar person standing the the door. It was cassandra in her batman uniform. She had been playing the role of batman ever since Bruce ""commited suicide"" (aka ever since Bruce was killed by an unspecified leauge member after the justice leauge found out he had been physically and sexually abusing Dick for over 15 years.) She rarely made an appearance in the cave and honeslty Damian hadnt seen her since the attempt. 

"Robin" Her voice was a little sharp but Damian knew thats because she rarely spoke not out of anger. Still it made him uncomfurtable. Him and Cassandra were close. She struggled to understand words but was great with body language. Damian was good with words but struggled to read people outside a battle. He got up walking to her with no question. Dick gave him a onceover as he walked by but nithing was said. To anyone else in the cave this was a perfectly normal interaction. They didnt know about Damiand attempt. 

The two of them walked silently to Damians room in the cave. He had specifically been avoiding her because of how close they were. He knew she was about to take this as a personal affront to her because Damian didnt try to say something to her first. As soon as Damian shut and locked his door Cass slapped him hard. He didnt react, he knew he deserved it. Instead he just lowered his head. 

"You abandioner" she took her mask off and threw it on the bed. She looked livid. Damian felt guilty, he had abandioned her. He didnt try to justify his actions. He knew he fucked up, which is why had had been avoiding her since the attempt. "Explain!" She ordered and Damian kept his head low not answering. 

Damian swallowed hard. He had no idea how to explain. He could see she was trying to read him. He wondered how much she could get from his sunken defensive poistion. "EXPLAIN!" She screamed and shoved him back against the wall. As soon as his back hit the wall he gasped squeezing his eyes closed. Damian knew he wasnt needed in this conversation. She could get more from reading his body language than he could ever hope the offer in words. So he just shied away letting her read him. Not that there was really a way to stop her.

He swallowed hard trying tonforce back a panick attack. Being pinned between her angry figure standing over him and the wall was making his heart race. He hated it. She looked at him and frowned. After several seconds anger began to fade out of her body and she reached a hand touching Damians shoulder. He flinchrd violently away but only managed to push himself farther against the wall. 

"You're scared" she cocked her head to the side slightly.

"I am not scared" Damian lied defensively. Cass's ability to read people made it almost imposssible to lie to her. And he admittedly was scared. He had been scared ever since that night.

"You tried death because youre scared?" She didnt seem as angry anymore. Just more concerned. Damian once again looked down. "Why scared? Explain!"

"Im not scared" he lied a second time knowing it was hopeless to lie to her. He respected Cass a lot but he couldnt have her thinking him weak. She would definatly disown him as a brother if she found out how he had let himself get drugged and assaulted. 

"LIAR" she yelled slamming her hands on either side of Damians head. He jumped suddenly feeling very confined and claustrophobic. He wanted to scream back at her, to argue and fight. But he felt so tired and apathic about the whole situation that he didnt have the energy to be truely defensive or mean. He didnt have the energy for anything other than submission and shame. 

"Im sorry" he muttered a rare apology. Out of everyone he kinda felt worst about leaving Cass because she had bad abandonment issues and Damian could only imagine his actions had only served to make them worse. He wished he couldd read her the same way she could read him. He wished he could know what was going on in her head but instead she just stood glaring at him for a long time. After a while though she just grabbed her mask and stormed out of the room leaving Damian shaken and feeling guilty. 

For the second the he found himself rubbing the bridge of his nose and muttering to himself about how he needed help. He had a therapy session in a few hours, maybe he would work up the courage to actually say something important for once

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment


	11. Day 11 (pt.2)

Damian sat on the floor of his bedroom with his back still agaisnt the wall where Cassandra had left him. It was only a matter of seconds after she stormed oit that Damian burst out crying and sunk to the floor. He tangled his hands into his hair and rugging on thw curls. He want sure what he was feeling anymore, he was so conflicted between wanting help and wanting to be left alone to die. He also felt absolutely awful aboit the fact that he had upset Cassandra. She was his first, and one of his only, friends in gotham that he truely felt safe around. Now she hated him. 

He curled up more onto himself pulling at his hair harder. "Cant you do anything right?" He felt like he was practically begging himself to make a decision. Either one, he didnt care anymore. Just something, anything. He needed to make a definitive move in either direction and he couldnt, he was stuck balancing between the two desires. 

Damian felt like he was going to explode. He flexed his fingers in his hair allowing himself to stim in hopes of it helping him regulate his thoughts. He was overwhelmed and just sunk more and more into himself. He recognized that he was entering a shutdown ffrom being so overwhelmed with indecision but he didnt care. He let himself sink deeper into the awful anxiety.  
Everyone hated him, Cassandra hated him, Dick hated him, everyone knew he was weak. Everyone knew he was weak and stupid and uselss. He had let himself get drugged. He had let himself get violated. He had taken the pills to end everything and somehow managed to fuck that up. He fucked everything up. He failed at killing himself, he failed at protecting himself, he failed at being a decent brother, he failed at being a good hero, he failed at everything. He was always failing, mother would be so disappointed in him. He was a disappointment. Why even bother trying to get better if he was just going to fail and disappoint people. 

Damian only jumped slightly when he felt his weighted blanket wrap around his shoulders. He didnt bither looking up cause he didnt care who it was. Obviously he had already proven he couldnt protect himself when he needed to, so why even try. The obly sense of time Damian had was that of his hands growing increasinly tired and sore from the repeative motion of his stimming. 

He felt like he was sinking in a pit of quick sand and everybody was holding their hands out but he couldn't quite reach any of them. He just kept getting lower and lower and he wanted help but he couldnt reach it. He just wanted this all to be over. After a while Damian finally began to come back to himself. He pulled the weighten blanket tighter around him and looked up to see who it was that ha dput the blanket on him. 

It was Cassandra a few feet away sitting on the floor and playing with a rubix cube. She must have been watching him out of the corner if her vision because she looked up as soon as he moved and silently offered him a water bottle. Damian looked at the bottle disinterested but he could deny the dryness of his throat, so he forces himself to take a tiny sip and pray that he was too exhausted to be anxious. They didnt speak for several minutes as Damian slowly recovered from his shutdown. He was exhausted. 

"You tried death. Did you like it?" Cassandra's dead pan style of talking made the question even more unnerving than it would have been otherwise. He had tried to die, did he like it? When he took the pills he had mostly seen blackness. Cold and still and empty. But he had also seen hallucinations or maybe they were dreams. Images of his room back at the manor, empty and bare that changed to a grave stone with his name on it and nobody coming to visit. Images that made him feel hollow and empty now that he thought of them.

"No" he whispered. He didnt like it. He didnt like the images and the empty blackness scared him. He was honeslty kinda suprised Cass had come back. She wasnt one to change her mind after storming off. 

"you try death again?" Cass asked and looked Damian dead in the eye. It made Damian uncomfortable, what was ge suposed to say. He was still actively suicidal but he also wanted to get better. It just seemed like getting better would take so long, and it would be so hard. Damian wasnt aure he had the patience to see it through. He wanted to stop hurting now, not sometime in the distant future.

"I dont know" he muttered honestly. Cass moved over to sit beside him and picked up the corner of the weighted blanket and snuggled herself under next to him. Damian wasnt a huge fan of physical contcat but he didnt mind it from her. He rested his head on her shoulder and she ywisted the curls around her fingers. "Why did you come back?"

She stayed quiet for a few minutes. "You are sad. I do not like to alone with sad. Do you?

Damian smiled slight "no" he didnt like being alone at all recently. Especially when he was upset. He was grateful she had come back. Right now he was just exhausted. He closed his eyes knowing that Cass wouldnt leave if he fell asleep and frankly he trusted her to keep him safe. He still had therapy today in a few hours and he needed to rest before then.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 30+ comments on the story and I'll post the next chapter.


	12. Day 11 (pt.3)

"How are you doing today Damian?" Dinah asked as Damina made his way to his normal seat. He was feeling a little better after his nap and a little more talking with Cassandra. He still felt like shit but he was a little more concrete in his decision that he wanted help more than he wanted death. 

_Say youre not doing okay. Say you're not doing okay. Say youre not doing okay_

His brain had been repeating the same sentance for for last five minutes leading up to the therapy session. He needed to twll her that he wasnt doing okay. "Im fine" he answer and immediately cursed himself internally. No this wasnt how this was suposed to go but he was so anxious he couldnt get his brain to say it.

"Are you sure. You look nervous "

Good a second chance, now all he needed to do was say the words. Say it. Say it. He was frustrated by his brain arguing with itself. He knew what he needed to say but he couldnt get his words to work. If he couldnt get his words to cooperate he would take a lesson from Cassandra and just bypass words entirly. He settled to just shake his head no. 

He forced himself to look at Dinah, or more specifically at the wall behind her head. He couldnt force himself to look her in the eyes. "Thank you for being honest" That suprised Damian but he didnt respond or turn his attention any more to her. He just continuing to look at the back wall. "Can you tell me whats going on?"

Damian wasnt sure what to say. He didnt get this far in his mind. He also didnt want to just give everything all at once.He was beginimg to feel sick with anxiety over saying anything at all. He broke his stare at the wall and looked down at his hands picking at the callouses on his fingers. Suddenly he felt like a dam broke inside of him and he dug his nails into his wrist till he began to feel blood on his fingers. "I cant" he muttered and squeezed his eyes closed. His chest felt tight. He hadnt intended to say that.

"Why not?" Dinaha sked very calmly. Damian felt anything but calm. He felt paniced and scared. 

"I CANT" he wasnt even sure why he was screaming. He was just so stressed and annoyed with everything. Her, himself, the whole situation, just everything made him mad. He dug his nails deeper into has arm till blood began to buble up around his fingers. "I JUST CANT"

"Okay, thats okay, just breath for me. Can you move your hand for me. "

Damian took a long deep breath and moved his hand looking at the blood on his fingers. His hands were shaking he was beyond anxious. His arm was now bleeding from the nail marks. Dinah grabbed a bunch of tissues and pushed it down on the bleeding marks. Damian pushed down on the tissues taking them from her. 

"How about we just take a few minutes to calm down. And when you're ready you tell me whatever you can" 

Damian nodded. He wiped away the blood and looked at the cuts. Four nail marks deep in his arm. For some reason cleaning up the cut gave him a weird sense of control over his life. This wasnt a new phenomenon really, it was partially why he started self harming in the first part. Because cleaning the cuts always made him feel in control. It was silent in the room for a long while before Damian found it in him to talk again. 

"I cant" he muttered looking at the ground "Im scared" he continued poking at the cuts with the tissues. 

"Scared of what?" 

Damian whimpered and looked at the sketchpad on the edge of her desk. He got up grabbing the sketchpad and flipping to where he was drawing the other day. He looked at Dinah who silently offered him a pencil and he began to sketch at the drawing of the alley again. 

"I let my guard down. I let myself get... hurt" he breathed out a shaky breath. He didnt want to say it, he couldn't say it. He could barley get these words out. 

"If someone hurt you that isnt your fault"

"I let my guard down"

"Its still not your fault"

Damian sighed rubbing the bridge of his nose. He felt tears burning behind his eyes again. He finished the sketch of the alley and began to sketch his wrists being pinned up against the wall. "What are you drawing?" Dinah asked and Damian felt a swarm of panic. He held the sketchpad to his chest not letting her see it. He knew he needed to give her soemthing but he couldnt.

"I cant" he muttered "i cant, i cant, i i cant" he was getting agitated again and this whole session was too much for him. He felt like he was going to have another shutdown. And he didnt want to he felt too small and weak. "We need to change my medicine, too anxious, medicines not working" he looked around the room agitated and scared. He felt like the person was watching him and he knew it was unreasonable. He felt like the second he was alone the person would find him, pin him, hurt him. "Too much. Too much anxiety. Too scared. Too paranoid. Cant do it anymore" he knew he was having a panic attack and words didnt form in his brain properly.

"Okay, lets adjust it. I can double what youre taking. And we can see how that works out. If that isnt working by the time your perscription runs out then we will tall about trying a different medicine." 

Damian nodded. He wanted to scream and cry but he just stayed silent. This was all too much. "Damian, look at me" Dinah said softly and Damian looked up quickly meeting her eyes for the first time. "Im very proud of you" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2+ comments on this chapter and ill post the next 2


	13. Day 12

_"Damian im home" Dick called into the livingroom, he had been at work when he started feeling sick. He had tried to push through it and finish his shift but he started throwing up after lunch and finally decided to just go home for the day. Damian haad stayed home from school today feeling sick and Dick assumed he had probably caught whatever stomach Damian had._

_When he didnt get a response he just assumed Damian was asleep went to the room wanting to lay down. He was only mildly surprised to see Damian curled up asleep in Dicks bed. Dick smiled a little and went to sit his phone on the nightstand when he noticed 2 things with terror. There was an open and empty bottle of pills and underneath them was a note._

_Dick was filled with panic. "Damian" He pulled the blanelt off Damian trying to wake him up. Dick could feel or hear Damian breathing and he couldnt find a pulse. "Dami please wake up" The more he tried to find a pulse the more he relized with horror that Damains skin was very cold and very pale. "Damian wake up, lil'D please wake up this isnt funny. Please Dami, please wake up" Dick felt tears streaming down his face, Damian was dead. He had killed hismelf and Dick had been too late. "No Damian Please, I need you to wake up. This cant be happening"_

* * *

Dick woke up crying. He pushed himself into a sittting position and drawing his knees tight against his chest. He tangled his hands into his hair sobbing so hard that he began to make himself feel sick. He knew it wasnt real, just a dream. He hadnt been too late, Damian was fine. Still it was hard for his brain to rationalize that. The dream had felt so real, Damian had already looked so dead when Dick found him. 

He wanted to see Damian, to hear him and feel him breathing. But Damian had spent the night at Jasons house to try and give Dick a small mental health break. Dick blindly grabbed his phone off the nightstand and his brain almost expected to feel the pill bottle or the suicide note. Ever since Dick found Damian his whole room had been super triggering. He had already donated his old blankets and bought new ones because he couldnt look at the blankets without seeing Damians pale body curled up under them, barely alive. He had to change what kind of pain medicine he took because the pill bottle was too triggering (since dicks pain pills were what Damian had taken) and he was seriosuly contemplating getting rid of or moving his nightstand for the same reason.

Dick clicked on Jasons contact. He didnt answer the first time and it made Dick panic more. He immediately called again and it once again went ro voice mail. Everytime Jason didnt answer Dick felt more and more panicked thag soemthign qas wrong. Dick called homa third time and this time he got an answer.

"What the FUCK is SO important at THREE IN THE FUCKING MORNING" Jason practically screamed at Dick through the phone. Dick hadnt even looked at the time and if he had been in any less of a panicked state he would have felt bad about it. Dick covered his mouth trying to muffle his crying and get his words together. "Dick, are you okay?"

"Damian" Dick whispered trying to calm himself down. He needed to know Damian was okay.

"He's fine, hes asleep" Jasons didnt sound as mad anymore. 

"Asleep" Dick repeated. An image of Damian curled up in the blankets, Dick thought he was asleep. "No no no" he covered his face 

"Dick I promise, I checked on him myself" Jason assured and Dick felt a little calmer "I can wake him up to talk if you want"

"No" If Damian was asleep Dick did not want to be the person to wake him. Damian didnt get enough sleep as it was. "I believe you" Dick felt guilty for feeling anything. He shouldnt be having nightmares over Damians attempt, it wasnt his trauma to be having nightmares about. Still he couldnt stop. He honestly felt super guilty and selfish cause he wanted to help Damian however he could but this was wearing on his mental health which had never been very solid to begin with. 

"Are you okay?" Jason sounded concerned on the other end of the line. Dick really couldnt blame him. He wanted to do the whole play itnoff and say he was fine but he was struggling. And everytime he began to struggle he felt super guilty about it. Dinah said he shouldnt fele guilty about being upset or triggered but he did nonetheless. 

"Not really" Dick whispered "I just want everything to go back to normal. I wish I could have been there and stopped this from happening. I wish i could have protected Damian, stopped him from getting hurt so he would have never attempted."

Dick shut his mouth quickly and hoped Jason would just bypass that statment, but he didnt. "Dick what do you know that we dont? Do you know why he attempted?" 

Dick bit hit bottom lip. Yes he did, Damian had told him by accident but nobody else knew and Dick wasnt supposed to tell anyone. "No". 

"Dick if you knew something you would tell us, right?" Jason sounded very suspicioua of him and Dick disnt blame him.

Dick knew several thinhs and he wanted nothing more that to tell and get it off his chest. It was weighing down on him too much. He had been tempted to tell Dinah on multiple occassions that Damian attempted because he had been drugged and raped. But he hadnt said it. The only thing keeping him from telling was the lnowledge that when he was being sexually abused by Bruce at 13 he would have hated the person who revealed his secret. He knew it was soemthing Damian had to do, if Dick did it he would be causeimg more harm than good. Still Dick wanted everything to go back to normal for his and Damians sake.

"Of course" Dick lied "I would always do whats best for Damian" that second part wasnt a lie. He would always do whats best for Damian and right now whats best just happened to be keeping a secret. They talked for a while longer until Dick had fully calmed down from his nightmare and had managed to convince Jason that he didnt know anything.

Dick sighed, hopefully this would all be iver soon because he wasnt sure how much longer he could keep quiet. He already felt guilty about the tole this was taking on his mental health. He shouldn't be the one struggling. He shouldn't be the one having nightmares and crying. He should be protecting Damian. He was protecting Damian by keeping this secret, he just really hoped it was the right thing to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TURNING POINT  
> TURNING POINT  
> Shit starts to go down in the next chapter


	14. Day 26

**March 1st, 2023, 1:37PM**

**This is hopeless. Its been three months since that night and a little under a month since my attempt. Im not getting better. I was, for a while, just a little while.**

**After I talked with Cassandra I got a renewed desire to help myself and get better. I started being more open with Dinah, I never told her what happened but we adjusted my medicine and I began to feel better. I wanted to do things, I wanted to be a part of the team, I was begining to enjoy patrols again. I felt like I was getting better. But I wasnt, it was a lie. It was all fake.**

**I wanted to be doing well, honestly I did. I was doing well but now I feel lower than ive ever been before. Dick and I walked up to the police station a few days ago because Dick needed to pick something up that he left there by accident the previous night. I went with him because I had been feeling better recently and I had energy enough that a walk sounded fun. It was fun. Up until we actually made it to the police station.**

**When we made it to the station I began to feel nervous and anxious, I was increadibly suspicious of evryone there. I hadnt been to the station since new years, the night that I was drugged. I began to feel so scared and in danger. Just being inside the statiom was causing me to have a panic attacks. Still it wasnt too terrible. I just wanted to hurry up and leave. Then one of the other officers came up and started talking to Dick.**

**Ive never had probelms with Dicks officer firends before. Theyve all bee relatively nice, if only a little condisending and stuck up. But for some reason when he came up I felt so scared, more scared than I can ever remeber having felt before. I also just felt filthy and angry. I wanted to run away, I didnt feel safe. I tried to convince myself that it was just me being on edge because this police station was the last solid memory I had before being drugged but it didnt work. I began to feel sick again. I was having a silent panic attack the entire time and not longer after the other man staryed talking to Dick I began to have sensory flashbacks. I wanted to tell Dick I didnt feel well, I wanted to say we should go but I was deathly terrified if saying soemthing infront of this other officer. I managed to keep myself contained for the majority of their conversation. But the officer at some point said I was looking pale and offered me a bottle of water.**

**I dont know why but I started having really bad flashbacks and just completely panicking. I felt like I couldnt breath. I felt like I was trapped in that night again. Unable to move or do anything other than observe the situation that I was stuck in. Dick apoligized and we went to his office closing the door. He asked what was wrong but I couldnt answer. I just felt more and more and more panicked. I felt like the room was too small and I was suffocating. Everything seemed so wrong.** **I dont know why I was having such a bad reaction to being there but I ended up having a full suicidal meltdown and trying to hurt myself.**

**Dick insists that hes not mad at me but I know he hates me so much. After we got home I iust went to bed. That was three or four days ago, I dont really know. Im exhausted. Ive barley had the energy to get out of bed since then, im just tried and everything is awful. Im starving but I cant eat. Anytime I as much as smell food I start to get paranoid and panicked that its drugged. I thought I had already hit a low but now im even worse then that. The one time ive managed to work up the courage to eat I spent hours forcing myself to throw up just trying to get the paranoid voice (the one that tries to convce me everything I eat is drugged) in my head to shut up but It didnt work. Im also exhausted by i cant sleep because everytime I close my eyes I start having nightmares**

**This is proof, nothing I do matters. I will never get better, even if I do get better it will be shirt term. Nothing will work long term. Im always going to end up right back here too depressed to get out of bed. The short periods of being mostly okay arent worth these violent depressions. Im just going to end it, there is no point in trying to get better. Im hopeless. Ive skipped my last several therapy appointments but Dick is making me go today.**

**I dont want to go. She will trying to convince me that getting better will be worth it. Its not. That temporary simi-happiness isnt enough. I will always end up back here in this pit so why bother even trying to find my way back out of it again. They should just let it consume me, they should just allow me to kill myself.**

* * *

_March 1 2023_

_Im going to have Damian stay with Jason for a few days. Im going to stay with Wally. Its. Its not that I dont love Damian and want whats best for him, but I also need to take care of myself._

_Everything seemes to be going fine. For several weeks things were going good. Damian was doing better, he was sleeping better, he was eating almost normally, he was less depressed and suicidal. I thought we were on the up. I thought this was getting better. I thought he was recovering. And as Damians mental health was getting better so was mine. But then 3 days ago Damian had flashbacks for the first tine in a couple weeks and crashed._

_He's been in bed almost all day for the past several days, he's got no energy, hes super depressed, he's barley eating, and he keeps having such violent and frequent flashbacks and nightmares. I dont know what to do anymore. I cant take care of him. I want to but I cant, taking care of him is destroying my own mental health and I feel like im being selfish by saying that._

_I just dont understand how it all got so bad, so quick. I just wish I knew who the asshole was that raped him so that I could kill that fucker and Damian might sleep easier. I know I need to give it time. But I just want my baby brother to be okay again. I feel like we're about to lose him again and I cant. I cant loose him, I cant stand this. I hope that maybe the change of scenery will be good for damian, maybe it'll be good for both of us. I just want him to be okay again, i thought he was really getting better but now I dont think he will be okay intil the person who hurt him suffers._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 41+ comments on the story and I post next chapters


	15. Day 26 (pt.2)

Jason looked at the yellow legal pad that sat infront of him. It was Dinahs therapy notes from Damians session earlier today. Jason hadn't looked though the therapy notes in a long time, not since Damian and Dick started therapy three years ago. But he was really worried about his brothers and he wouldnt get a steaight answer drom either of them, so this was the moat objective information he could get. 

  * 4:08PM Session starts
  * Damian is immediatly reluctant to talk, defensive, agressive, and volatile. He refuses to answer questions and wont cooperate. 
  * Damian refuses to participate in any conversation regarding his recent depressice episode or the incident that triggered it.
  * Damian says that he is "hopeless" and says "what is the point of trying to get better if I will just end up back where I startes"
  * I try to explain to Damian that relapses are a natural part of healing and that it will take a while 
  * Damian growns angry and begins screaming that it has "already been three months" and "how long am I supposed to wait?"
  * I ask Damian what happened three minths ago and remind him that his attempt only happened 1 minth ago.
  * Damian goes silent and resumes his refusal to speak.
  * I attempt to explain to Damian that until we talk about the root of the problem. (What caused him to attempt in the first place) he wouldnt be able to heal properly and once again ask hin what happened three months aago.
  * Damian begins screaming about how this is all hopeless and pointless. He says he "wants to die" and that we are "just keeping [him] alive because we hate [him] and want [him] to suffer."
  * I try to calm Damian down but he grows more agitated and continues to scream at me. He gets more agitated and begins to try and self harm in the form of scratching and hitting himself. 
  * I manage to restrain Damian from hurting himself as he continues to scream and swear. After a long time he begins to calm down and cry. 
  * Damian begans to beg us to leave him alone and he just wants to die. 
  * Session ends 5:27PM



After session notes

  * Damian shows very active suicidal intentions and self harming tendencies.
  * He needs to be under constant monitoring until he stabilizes. 
  * Damians antidepressents needs to be adjusted to accomidate this new depressive episodes
  * Damian is a high risk to himself and potentially others 
  * _Jason if you choose to start stealing my notes again please help me. Damian isnt giving me anything to work with and I think Dick knows something but wont tell. They are both doing bad and I need something I can work with._



* * *

Jason glanced to his side through the open door of his bedroom and to the livinroom where Damian was laying on the couch. He sighed rubbing his eyes and closed the legal pad. He had picked Damian up from his therapy session because Damian was staying with him for a little while. Dick needed a mental health break and Jason volunteered to look after Damian. But since he had picked him up Damian had been minimally responsive to anything. He had no interest in talking, or eating, or watchimg TV, or sleeping. He just wanted to lay and stare into space. 

Jason disnt quite understand what had happened to cause this specific depressive episode. Dick had told him that they went to the police station and Damian had a panic attack and thats what triggered the depreasive episode. Jason felt that there was something more, Just like Dinah had said in her notes. Jason thought Dick knew more than he was saying. 

He hid the notepad back in his bag, he would return it tomorrow, and got up walking to the livingroom. "Get up kid, you're helping me cook" Jason demanded. He knew Damian didnt want to help him but he wanted to boy to be out of bed (since he supposedly had been in bed for the majority of three days) and he also had begun to suspect that Damian had an earing disorder of some kind. He could definitely be wrong about the eating disorder thought, it just seemed that from some observations he had made that itbwas definitely a possibility. 

"Fuck you" Damian growled but got up anyway. He looked like shit. He was thin and looked tired, his hair wasnt brushed and it had been getting long. Jason tried not to judge too much, he remebered how difficult things like basic hygine could be when someone was that low and that depressed. 

Jason just ignored his agression "you okay with soup?" Jason asked 

"Not hungry" Damian snapepd and Jason just shrugged. 

"Dick says you havent eaten in 2 days so you will eat tonight. You dont get an option in that. What yoi do get an option in is soup or pasta."

Damian glared at him for a long time and Jason jsut shrugged. He almost wanted to let Damian lay back down but he needed to make sure the boy ate. Damian rolled his eyes and walked to the kitchen "youre an ass"

Jason shrugged, soup it was. He handed Damian a knife and set him to cut some potatos. He was cautious about giving the knife to Damian but he believed he wouldnt do anythign with Jason in the same room. Still he watched him closely. Jason didnt try to push conversation, he just watched Damian to see how he was acting and making sure he wasn't going to hurt himself. The meal didnt take too long to make and they bith sat down at the table with food. Jason didnt usually eat at the table but he wanted to see Damian eat. Which he didnt at first, he just pushed his food around. Damian didnt really start eating til he noticed he was being watched. The rest of the meal was silent. Jason ate his food and watched Damian. 

Jason was worried about Damian. He really did seem to be spiraling and jason knew all about spiraling. He knew exactually hownit went, things got and then worse and then completely out of control. He needed to find out whay it was thay Dick knew because if Dick knew the reason all this started then he could tell them and Damian could begin to actually get help with the root problens rather than treating symptoms. 

It was stressful to think about but Jason had a feeling he would be thinking about it alot especially while Damian was staying with him


	16. Day 28

_Damian hadnt wanted to go to thw stupid new yeats party, he didnt understand why this stupid 'holiday' was even sepeated. It was just another year, juat liek everyother year, nothing worth celebrating. But Dick had been very excited about the party so Damian agreed to go._

_For a party thrown at a police station it wasnt really that bad. A lot of cops, a lot of cop families, a few annoying kids who wanted to talk about video games and other childish stuff. Damian leaned against the wall and thi king about getting another drink. There was champagne at the party but at the risk of getting yelled at by Dicks coworkers he was drinking sparkling grape juice._

_"You look like youre running low" someone walked up beside Damian holding another glass of sparling grape juice feom the table. The person was wearing a police uniform and handed Damian the cup. Damian accepted hesitantly not really liking the idea of accepting open drinks from stranger but now wanting to insult this person because Dick would be upset at him. Dick had been telling him to be more trusting of people._

_Damian took a sip and offered a flasly sincere smile. "Who are you here with?" The officer asked. Damian pointed at Dick across the room_

_"My brother" After that the officer left and Damian drunk his drink quietly. After a few moee minutes Damian relized that he wasnt feeling good. He felt nauseous and a little dizzy. He assumed it was just exhaustion or maybe he was coming down with a stomach bug. He abandioned his wall and walked over to where Dick was talking to anither officer._

_"I am going home, I think im coming down sick" He explained trying to keep his head on straight. He was really starting ti feel dizzy and tired._

_"I can take you home" Dick offered but Damian wasnt that unwell, plus it was a good night outside so he deicded that he would walk. Afterall it was a short walk._

_Stepping outside made Damian feel slightly better but the longer he walked the worse he felt. He felt super nauseous, dizzy, spacy, and short of breath. He swallowed hard, he just needed to make it home. He normally didnt use his shortcuts at night but with how bad he felt he wanted to just get home. So he decided against his better judgment that it would be okay just this once._

_Damian began to feel like he was seriously going to throw up. His throat burned of bile and he felt hot saliva building up in his mouth. He tried to swallow the feeling but he was getting even more spacy and confused. He didnt see what he tripped over just that he hit the ground hard. Instantly he gagged loosing his barely held self control and began to throw up everything he had eaten all day. Damian choked and gagged struggling to get breaths in between waves of vomiting. Throwing up made him feel a little better but his brain still felt like he was trying to watch tv with really crappy signal. It kept flickering and cutting out._

_The next thing Damian knew he was standing up and feeling like he really couldnt breath or focus. He felt a sharp brick digging into his back just below his shoulders. It hurt alot digging right against his spine but not as much as his wrists hurt. They were being dug into the uneven brick wall with a heavy force. Damian wasnt sure what was going on. His brain wasnt working. It wasnt that he couldnt see but his brain couldnt register anything. Just blurry colours and noises and sensations._

_Damian relised that it was a hand holding him up as he was transfered from being held in two hands to being held up by one and anither hand touching the edge of his shirt. He felt a warm breath on his neck that made him shiver. He wanted to call out but he couldnt get his words to work. He felt like someoe had shived his mouth full of cottom, it was so dry and he couldnt form words. The person whispered something in his ear. Damian couldnt udnerstand what had been said but he suddenly felt very scared to say anything._

_He felt someones body push up close to him and the hand that had been at the hem of his shirt run up his stomach. Damian couldnt figure out what was happening. This felt unreal and he felt so scared. He wished he could figure out whats going on._

_He gasped as he felt his jeans come undone and his legs were suddenly very cold. Damian squeezed his eyes closed trying to figure out what was going on but when he opened them all he could make out was the vauge shape of someone very close to him. He gasped feeling a hand kneed the inside of his thigh. He realized very suddenly he had no control over his voice or any noises his brain chose to make._

_He felt a hand slip beneath his underwear and he could his voice moan quietly as someone touched him. He hated it, why was he making thay noise? What was going on? He wanted it to stop. Damian squeezed his eyes closed not really sure what was happening._

_Nothing made sense, he still felt so bad. His mouth tasyed like vomit, his vision was so blurry, his head hurt and nothing seemed to make sense. He didnt understand what was happening and why he couldn't stop it. He felt the person moving him so now his face was pressed against the uneven bricks. Damian felt a ton of pain and wanted to scream but no sound came out. He was so confused and everything hurt. He wanted this to stop._

_He felt a warm liquid running down his legs and he could recognize that his face had damp tears on it._

* * *

Damian woke up feeling like he couldnt move. He felt like he was still pinned to the wall. He could still feel the persons body against him, he could feel their hands touching his body. He squeezed his thighs together wanting to stop the person from touching him and to try and stop his bidy frim reacting. He gasped and whimpered, he could still feel the person touching him. Hee wanted it to stop, he felt like he couldnt breath. He squeezed his eyes closed but that only made the sensory hallucinations worse. He whimpered and gasped punching down on the bed wanting it all to stop. 

"Kid wake up!" Damian felt a hand touch his shoulder and he whimpeted wanting it all ti stop. He knew it was Jason but he felt like he was still stuck in the dream. He felt the persons hand running over him, feeling the breath warm against his skin. "Damian. Wake up!" He felt Jasons haking him softly and it seemed to be just enough to break the half conciousness paralysis. 

Damian jerked up scrambling back till he bit the bedframe. He lookes around the room frantically expecting to see the assailant but there was just Jason sitting on the edge of the bed looking concerned. Damian also noticed that the bed was wet, shame filled his stomach and he covered his face with a weak sob. He broke down completely sobbing into his hands. He was so sick of this, he couldn't do it anymore. He wanted it to stop. He felt a hand touch him and he whimpered sinking moee into himself. "Not again, please i cant i i cant" he waant even aure what he was saying.

He felt so dirty and filthy and violated aand angry. He could still feel hands on him and he wanted everything to stop. He was slowly begining to remeber more about what happened that night and each time he remebered more it just increased his desire to die. He had been drugged by one of the officers at the party and they had raped him in the alley and then somehow he ended up back home. 

"Damian, its me, Jason." Damian lifted his eyes finally and looked at Damian who was sitting on the edge of the bed. He had taken his hand off of Damian shoulder and sat it down beside him. He also had his gun sitting on the edge of the nightstand. Damian recognized that specific gun, it was the one Jason kept udner his pillow. He must have heard Damian having a nightmare and decided to check on him. Damian felt tears welling behind his eyes and he looked down feeling so ashamed of everything. "Hey, your okay" Jason assured and any inhibitions Damian had vanished. 

He broke down again and leaned against Jasons shoulder. Jason awkwardly wrapped his arms around Damian. He wasnt as comfortable as Dick was to be held by but he definitely made Damian feel safer, if only because he knew Jason could kill. 

"I cant do this" he sobbed "it hurts too much, i dont want to remeber. I dont want anything, just make it stop!" Damian was over all of this. He didnt care anymore about anything he just wanted to die. 

"Remeber what?" Jason asked and Damian relized that Jason didn't know. Damian simultaneously wanted to tell him but he was also afraid he would blame him for it. Dick had a history of sexual assault and rape but Jason didnt as far as Damian was aware. Jason would blame him and would hate him. 

The sound of footsteps outside made Damian jump and curl more into Jason. "No! No dont let him, not again, I cant do it again. I cant." Damians sobbing was making him feel sick. He jusy wanted to stop, he wanted i all to stop. He was exhausted. "The drugs made me forget but now im remembering that night, i dont want to remeber" Damian didnt care anymore. He felt like he was about to loose his mind. 

Jason pulled Damian away from him and Damian drew into himself. "What drugs? What night? What are you remembering?" Jason looked serious and Damian knew there was no way he was getting out of this. He burried his face against his knees and sighed. 

"New Years, Graysons party. I ... someone drugged my drink. I was walking home cause i didnt relize, i thought I was coming down with something but I was taking a shortcut and I collapsed and a person, a man r... he raped me. I dont know how I got home. I didnt remeber anything but im starting to remeber I dont want to remeber" he explained everything in one breath and looked at Jason unmoving.

Jason was looking at him still. Damian felt scared but it was a different kind of sacred than he had with Dick. With Dick he felt like Damian would hate him or woukd think he was weak. With Jason he was afraid that athe man would do something stupid or call Damian a lier. 

Jason bit his bottom lip and nodded silently making Damian feel even more uncomfortable and scared. There was several tense swconds before Jason broke his silence "i believe you" he said in almost a whisper. Damian felt safer almost knowing that Jason knew. "Who?" 

Damian looked doqn "i dont remember" Damian admitted guiltily. He knew it was a cop, the one who gave him the drink. But he couldnt remember who that was. Jason was trembling very subtly. "Im sorry"

"NO" Jason snapped "You willl NOT apologize. You did NOTHING WRONG." Jason looked at his hands for a second and Damian was suddenly reconsidering what he had been thinking earlier. Jason didnt have a history with this, did he? Damian was still feeling shaky and confused. With his adrenaline fading out he was feeling gross from the dream and the wet bedding. Jason seemed to notice his discomfort. 

"How about you go take a shower. Ill throw these in the washer." Jason gestured at the bedding. Damian just nodded getting up very shakily. He got in the bathroom shutting the door and turning the shower on. 

He took off the soiled clothes throwing them outside the bathroom dork so Jason could put them in the washer with his blanket. Damian looked at his body in the full body and felt nothing but shame. He put a hand on the inside of his leg where he remebered feeling it in his dreams. He squeezed his eyes trying to subdue the sensory flashbacks that were on the edge of his consciousness but he was unsuccessful. His legs weren't just wet from him wetting the bed but also slick from his body reacting in and to the dream. The fact he reacted made him feel like he wanted it when he really didnt. 

This was all too much, he couldnt take this anymore. He didnt want to remeber. He wanted to die. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 3+ comments on this chapter and I post the next one


	17. Day 28 (pt.2)

Jason dropped the wet blanket and clothes onto the washing machine and set it to start running. As soon as he pressed the start button his barley contained rage burst forward. "FUCK!" He screamed punching the wall beside him. Rage overflowed him and his vision was begining to get a green static over it, he knew he should calm down but he was so angry. 

First Jason, then Dick, and now Damian. This family was cursed. Jason tried to remeber the breathing technique Dinah had taught him to calm down. He was buzzing and full of rage. Did Dick know about this? Was that the secret that he knew and wouldnt tell. Jason didnt really have time to think because he heard the bathroom door shut and that meant Damian had come out. He walked out of the laundry room and Damian was sitting on the couch curled up in a blanket. He looked so small. Damian felt more awkward than angry now, what now. Damian had therapy today. Jason should try to convince him to tell Dinah. Because Jason really didnt want to be the one to tell her.

"You said I could talk to you if I didnt want to be coddled" Damian spoke and Jason sat diwn beside him on the couch trying to keep himself contained.

"Yeah. I did" he nodded. He was going to be as honest and he could with Damian. He didnt figure lieing about the situation would make anything better.

"Its never going to get better. Its going to hurt forever." Damian looked up at him "whats the point of even trying if im not going to get better?" Jason shifted uncomfortably. How could he say this without coming off wromg.

"It does get better eventually." jason muttered "Therapy helps" Damian glares like he had just been insulted by Jason's statement. 

"How the fuck would you know anything?" Damian snapped and Jason felt uncomfortable. But he chose to keep pushing through this conversation hoping it qould help Damian.

"I told you I attempt suicide when I was 13. Before she overdosed my mom was getting drugs from the upstairs neighbor, sometimes he also gave me food when we couldnt afort it. But it came at a price, he would" jason swallowed hard trying to force the words out of his mouth. It had been firever since he had admitted it. To this day he still usually tried to pretend ntihing happened. "He would rape me as payment for the food and drugs. Back then I was too small to fight back."

He ran a hand through the white stripe in his hair, as he usually did when he was tense. He waited silently fir Damians response to his confession. He hoped that him telling Damian that would help him see that it was something he could get passed. That it did eventually get better. For a while it didnt seem like there was going to be a response, just eternal tense silence. But eventually Damian sighed. "In tired. Everything is wrong. I just want it to stop. I want it to all be over."

he sounded like he was going to start crying again. Jason didnt want him to start crying again, he was terrible at comfurting upset people. Angry people he could handle but upset people were more of Dicks thing. Damian laid his head against Jasons shoulder and went quiet. Jason could deal with quiet so he turned his attention to the tv thinking about everything that had happened this morning.

* * *

**March 3rd, 2023, 1:37PM**

**Im writing before therapy because nothing has changed. Jasons confession changed nothing, he is emotionally stronger than I am. He survived being raped, Im not surviving. Im not doing anything.** **Thats not true. Im remembering, i don't want to remeber.**

**Before I could only remeber the vauge feeling of hands on my wrists, a weak memory of the alley, and the feeling of being violated.**

**But now I remeber a lot. I remeber someone giving me a drink, I remeber walking home cause I didnt feel good, I remeber collapsing, someone pinning me and touching me, I remeber the pain. I remeber him manhandling me and pushing my face into thw rocks, I remeber him raping me, i remeber how my body reacted. Positivly, like i wanted it. I keep trying to convince myself that it was because the drugs in my system but i dont know anymore.**

**I dont know anything. I thought I could maybe get better, maybe I could recover. But as I am a lot these days. I was wrong. Its hopeless, im a lost cause. Not even worth helping. I threw out the pills I had been saving up because I wanted to get better but now I regret it. I need to draft up a plan. I cant handle this anymore. I just want to kill myself. Nothing is worth it.**

**Im remembering more every day and every day I feel weaker and smaller and I have less desire to live. I dont know how im going to do it. I could start pretending to take my pills and start saving them till I have enough but that would take time and while im staying at Jasons house it would be near impossible. He is very strict on making sure I take my medication. I need a different plan. I dont know what else to do, but this time I cant fail.**

**I also think Jason is suspicious about my eating. He hasnt said anything but I think he suspects that im throwing up a lot of my food. Its not like I want to throw up its just that I cant keep food down without the paranoia screaming at me. Even when I throw it up sometimes the paranoid voice gets so loud I cant hear myself think. I cant deal with life anymore. Lately ive been so depressed i cant get out of hed, nothing interests me anymore, i hate everyrhing I used to love,dick doesnt want me thats why he gave mento Jason. They keep saying I need to tell Dinah so we can "work on it" but im not going to tell Dinah I was raped. I dont want help anymore. Im going to come up with a plan and thats that. I give up, I quit, im not even going to try anymore.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 5+ comments and next chapter 
> 
> And if yourw reading this in the future. A comment will still be appreciated. Even after the story is done.


	18. Day 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the slow updates

"Dickhead and one of his cop buddies are stopping by in like twenty minutes."

Damian looked at Jason as he picked up his gun off the counter where he had been cleaning it. Damian hadnt seen Dick outside of training since he had been staying with Jason and it seemed out of character for Jason to allow a stranget, let alone a cop, into his safehouse.

"Why?" He asked, looking around the room to double check that there was nothing illegal or superhero-ish around the room. It was fairly clean and empty, unlike Dick he wasnt one to leave his stuff lying around. That was one of the major differwnces between the brothers. Jason always needed his stuff to be clean and ready to go at a moments notice while Dick needed to have his house full of papers and clothes and stuff like he was trying to physcially burry parts of himself under the mess.

"Dick left something here and aparently its too important for him to just pick up after work." Jason sounded annoyed with the situation and Damian could imagine he was not happy about letting a police officer into his house, even one Dick vouched for. Damian wasnt happy either. Ever since that day Damian had been very uncomfurtable around cops, even so much as cops passing by or on tv made him nervous. It was irritating because he wasnt even sure it was a cop who raped him, he just knew he had been drugged while at the police station and in his mind that was enough to firm a solid distrust if all officers. He even shied from Dick when the older man was in uniform. "Go shower"

He pushed himself off the couch. He hadnt taken a shower in two days. His depreasion was bad enough that he was really struggling with even very basic hygine. Showering, combing his hair, brushing his teeth. Jason was being patient and Damian was greatful for that, still he felt awful about it. 

* * *

Damian got out of the shower just a few minutes before Dick and his friend showed up. Showering had taken all the minimal energy he had so he was sitting on the couch when the doorbell rang. Jason had double checked the house making sure that it was safe for non-heros to enter. Damian could already hear the argument between the two men later. 

Jason opened the door and Damian peaked around the seperating wall and saw Dick walk in wearing his police uniform. A deep discomfort feeling swelled in his chest and he dug his nails into his palm to keep himself together. "Hey Dami!" Dick walked over hugging him, Damian was uncomfortable but hugged back trying to play the good brother infront of this other officer who he had yet to see. 

As soon as he thought that the second officer cane around the separating wall. It was a man a little taller than Dick, maybe 6'2. He was blonde and green eyes. As soon as Damian saw him he felt a sharp wave of discomfort and anxiety. 

"You're Dicks brother, right?" The other officer offered a smile directed at Damian. Damian suddenly felt sick. His chest felt tight and he could identify the start of a panic attack. 

"Yeah" he said through grated teeth, fighting his instinct to dart away from this man. Dick and Jason ledt to go get whatever it was that Dick had left (as well as for Jason to chew Dick out about bringing someone into the apartment) leaving Damian and this man alone in the livingroom. 

"Dick talks alot about you ya know, he's very fond of you" the man said taking a step closer to Damian. 

Damian felt panicked. He was tense and trying his best to kwep calm. He wanted Dick and Jason to come back. He didnt feel safe, he felt trapped between this officer and the wall only a foot or so behind him. He was trying hos hest to keep his calm but he felt like he was going to die. He felt the dizziness, the strong salt taste in his mouth, the nausea, he was feeling all the signs of oncoming flashbacks and he wanted out. 

"Though from what he said I didnt picture you as the quiet type" The man said and rested a hand on Damians shoulder. Damian shoved him away taking several steps back till he hit the wall. At that moment Jason and Dick finally emerged from the room. Without thinking Damian darted hiding behind Jason. He wanted someone physically between him and this man. 

Dick and Jason both gave him weird look saying they wanted an explanation later. "Sorry about him, he's having a bad day" Dick offered an explination with a smile and the other officer frowned at Damian. Damian met his eyes and they looked sour and cruel. "How about we get going" Dick offered and the other officer nodded the two of them leaving but not before he threw another look back at Damian. 

A few second after the door closed Damians fragile control broke. Tears started streaming down his face and he felt like he couldnt breath, he burried his face into Jasons shirt balling his fist into the cloth. He could feel sensory memories run across his skin. 

"Um... you okay there demonspawn?" Jason asked and Damian broke down crying even harder. He couldnt explain what had just happened because he wasnt entirely sure what happened. Just the second he saw that officer he felt an ungodly amount of fear and didnt know why. 

"No, no, stay away. Stay away" Damian gasped and whimpered tightening his grip on Jasons shirt. He felt the sensory memories violating him and he wanted to die. "Stop, STOP!" Damian slammed his fists down against Jasons chest. He wasnt sure who he was talking to. He had so much adrenaline energy surging through him that he needed to get out, he felt like he might explode from all the anxiety. "STOP STOP STOPSTOPSTOP!!!" he knew he should control himself but he felt like he couldnt. 

"Hey talk to me?" Jason asked, he didnt sound annoyed, more confused if anything. He pulled Damian off of him keeping his hands firmly on Damian shoulders. Damian looked up at him wiping his eyes violently. Jason looked confused and concerned. "What happened?"

He lookes around the room not feeling safe. "Im fine, i im fine. I." He tried to pull out of Jasons grip but it was sturdy "im fine, let mee go, let me go, let let me go. Im fine im fine I" he knew he was being frantic and not making such sense. He tried to pull away from Jason again but this time he wasnt letting Damian go.

"Obviously you are not fine. What do you need?" Jason kneeled down to be at a height closer to Damians and honestly if made Damian feel slightly less threatened. Damian made an undignified whimpering sound in his throat. He felt like he had so much energy he might explode. He needed to get this energy out. He tangled his hands into his hair tugging at it.

"Leave me alone" Damian tried to pull away from Jason again. Jasons hands on his shoulder were becoming more triggering than comfurting. "Let me go. I want to be alone " he was exhausted and angry at himself and the scenario. Jason frowned but let go of Damians shoulders. A little bit of the tightness in his chest loosened up and he took a shaky breath. He wanted to hide.

"Im going to step out fir a cigarette. Call me if you need something" jason said clearly and Damian nodded. Jason had quit smoking years ago, Damian knew he was just saying it as an excuse to give him some space in the small apartment and he appreciated it. 

Immediately after Jason stepped out Damian sunk down to the floor resting his head on his hands. He tried to think of why it was that he had such a bad reaction. It wasnt just to the police uniform, it was the man that made him so uncomfortable. He thought about it for a while and then relized, this wasnt the first time Damian had met this officer. He had been the same officer that Dick and Damian were talking to before Damian had a meltdown and flashbacks at the police station a little over a week ago. 

He tried to remeber if there was another instance where he had met this officer. Before the meltdown at the station but he couldnt remeber having ever met him before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2+ comments and ill post mext chapter


	19. NOTE

You may notice there are multiple chapters that have been deleted from this story. That was a purposeful action. 

I was growing increasingly unhappy with the progression of this story (which was the reason that I was no longer updating) and decided that I would backtrack and delete all chapters that I was no longer pleased with.

The story will now progress from this point on with a slightly modified storyline. I'm sorry if this upsets people but I am not capable of writing a story that I was no longer happy with. 

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE COMMENT


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